DON'T touch my damn tail!
by Phe-chan
Summary: Random randomness. . . the covetent final chapter .....~10~!! is up!!! Be afraid....cages, lawyers and liquefied sugar. WARNING: CONTENTS MAY CAUSE INTOLERABLE LEVELS OF INSANITY!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: aHEm...firstly i'd just like to say to i DO NOT own any of the characters from random anime series that appear in this fic. They all belong to their respective creators, yadda yadda yadda. so now that i've said that, you all cant sue me. ^_^

A/N 2: this is my first semi- fan fic. . . i say semi because i've written it to include myself and my muse. . . which is kinda interesting in my opinion. . . anyways, as this is MY fic, i can do whatever i like, so just keep your shirts on if somone seems OOC, k? * smiles sweetly * enjoy!

Chapter One- The Papaya of Doom

A form sat, unmoving with eyes closed on the top of a grassy hill. The gentle breeze tugging it's flaming hair and matching guard's-like uniform. It sighed inwardly. _Peace. _Suddenly it's pointed ears pricked, and it could detect someone moving closer to it, trying to remain unheard.

"You know I'm going to kill you one day if you keep doing that. . ." Authoress Phoenix opened an eye to look at her muse.

"Meh! You _always _say that, but you haven't actually done it, now have you?" 

"One day. . ." she muttered. The purple skinned muse grinned and crashed heavily on the grass next to her. 

"Well, what now?" The muse lay stretched out on his back while lazily watching Phoenix's tail flick around of it's own accord.

"Firstly, baka , shut up for five minutes so I can think!" Tarka ( the muse) smirked and hummed a tune, while putting on an air of innocence. 

Just as Phoenix was seriously considering taking rather drastic actions to keep him quiet , she heard a yell in the valley below. . .

"NOOOOO!!!!! PAPAYA!!!! PLEASE, COME BACK!!!!!!!!" She turned to Tarka, a quizzical expression on her face. He returned her look, then stood up, trying to see who was coming around the valley's bend.

"GAHHH!!!! PAPAYYYYYAA!!!" A young boy came into view, around fifteen years of age. His eyes were the size of saucers, his hands were out-stretched, and for some very strange reason, he was running at top speed screaming like a lunatic about a.....papaya?

Phoenix felt intrigued and disturbed as she hovered three feet above the ground. This felt like it needed some. . . investigation. She arched an eyebrow at Tarka.

"Coming?" 

"You bet! he chuckled as he blasted off from the ground behind her. _This should be amusing. _The boy hadn't gotten very far, screaming while running makes it somewhat difficult to inhale oxygen, and his breath became ragged and uneven. Finally, sank to the ground in exhaustion.

"Noo!.." he sobbed into his chest.

Phoenix touched down in a crouched position a few meters away from him, while Tarka stood beside her. After minutes passed, the boy noticed someone staring at him, and he scrambled backwards in alarm when he dared to look up.

"Wh.. who. . . _what_ are you?" he stammered. Phoenix blinked, then smirked.

"Funnily enough, I was just about to ask you the same question!" She rose and moved forward a few paces, her purple cat's eyes burning a hole right through him.

"Well. . . ummm... my name's..." He was beginning to feel a little scared of that smirk she had plastered all over her face. "...Van." he said with a squeak.

"So. . . _Van_, care to inform me why you were running through this valley, disturbing my peace (at this point, she glared) and raving about a papaya?"

"Not really."

He shuddered at the death glare Phoenix sent him then changed his mind.

"Well, it's like this, you see. . . I haven't eaten for three days!!" Tarka gasped in horror. Van nodded sadly and continued," I was sitting in my zoid when suddenly I saw this amazing flying papaya!! But before I could grab it, it flew away, so I went after it, and here I am!"

"I see. . ." Phoenix murmured as she frowned at him. Van's pupils dilated as he saw the papaya of his visions floating _inches _above Phoenix's swishing tail. Unaware of why he was drooling, Phoenix resumed speaking her thought aloud ,"It appears that, under lack of nutrition, you have started to hallucinate and imagine seeing this flying. . ." She rambled on while Van zoned out. All reason and common sense left his body. He only had one thought. _Get the papaya!_ With a cry, he lunged forth and sunk his teeth into her furry limb. Phoenix felt pain ripping through her body like a storm, as she stood with one eye twitching, Van attached to her tail.

All went quiet.

A low growl rose in her throat as she sent an enormous ki blast right at her attacker's chest. Van flew thirty through the air, then skidded another ten as he hit the ground.

"YOU DARE TO TOUCH MY TAIL?!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! I'LL F*****G KILL YOU!! She was outright screaming now, and her purple eyes glazed over to become red.

__

Shimatta! Tarka thought. He was looking forward to the guy being knocked around a bit, but whoa! Anyone who messed with _that _girl's tail generally didn't live to regret it. . . he squeamed inside as edged towards his authoress, whose hair had left it's plait and was flailing violently around her face in the non-existent breeze. Yep, this was definitely going to hurt him more then her. Literally. 

Phoenix began to stalk towards Van's unconscious body, when Tarka landed in front of her, blocking her path with a sheepish smile.

"What. Do. You. Want?" Phoenix growled through gritted teeth. Tarka cringed.

"C'mon, I know you don't really want to _kill _the guy...Do you?!" he added tentivaly.

Silence.

"Perhaps. . . this _once, _you're right," she sighed as she powered down. Tarka smiled in relief. Phoenix looked at her muse straight in the eye as the biggest, evilest smirk in the history of the world spread across her lips. "But I sure as hell want to embarrass the crap out of him!!" Her tail thrashed wildly as Tarka smirked in unison.

"Yes, let's." They covered the remaining distance in seconds, and landed with a soft _thud_. 

"What to do, what to do? " Phoenix said happily, "So many choices. . ."

"Might I make a suggestion?"

"Certainly!"

"Well. . . we could always take his clothes and. . ." he looked at his Authoress, who was hanging on his every word, "burn them?"

"Ahhh!" Phoenix exclaimed, "Perfectly fitting!" As if they went around doing this to everyone they met (A/N: which we don't, otherwise we'd have no friends left! ~_^) the pair systematically had Van stripped of his clothes and lay them in a heap beside him. Phoenix zapped a small ball of ki from her fingertips and watched with satisfaction as flames began to lick the material. _Revenge was sweet. . . but I'm not done yet!. . ._ Delving into her uniform's pocket , she withdrew her magical artist's sketching pen and un-capped the lid. Kicking Van onto his stomach with her foot, she began to write, hunched over her work and laughing softly to herself all the while. When she finally re-capped the pen and drew back to let Tarka see, he understood. . . Scrawled in huge capital letters across Van's back were the words:

'WHY AM I NAKED? WELL, I'M PROTESTING AGAINST THE SLAUGTERING OF FLUFFY BABY ANIMALS, IF YOU SUPPORT ME, JUST SLAP MY ASS!' Tarka thought he'd nearly die from trying to contain his mirth, when Phoenix signalled they should leave. Giving a parting kick to Van's gut, she streaked off into the sky, Tarka chuckling as he tailed after her. . .

~ ~ ~

A/N: ehhehehehe....*hides from all the death glares behind Tarka* no, i don't have anything against Van!!!! i think he's cool! what?!! you dont believe me?!! * gets hit in the head by a candy cane * ouch! _mutter mutter_ *phe rubs her head* :P I don't plan for this ALL to be about Zoids. . . *shrugs* i guess you'll all just have to kick back and see who turns up. . .^_^

A/N 2: * starts dancing around the room * ^_____^ i got the dbz dvd where trunks & vegeta beat the crap out of one another in the cell saga!!!!! *sniffs* im so happy, i could cry!...^_^

ps: that maybe the reason for my wanting to kill things in this chapter! ehehehe.....sigh. ^_^

if you liked what happened so far, or have any suggestions as to who can have their asses kicked next chapter, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pretty please? ^_^ Arigato gozaimasu!!


	2. The morning after

A/N: hey ho, all! thanks ssoo much to the people who reviewed my fic already!!!!! ^_^ sorry if any Van fans got offended, but it was meant to be humorous. . .*shrugs* ahhh well. sooo, i suppose this will be like a morning-after chapter. . . will Phoenix be caught?!!!! *gulps* i surrre hope not!

Chapter 2 - The Morning After. . .

The first thing Van noticed when he regained conscienceness the next day, was that he was extremely cold. Not only that, but why in the hell was his ass so sore? He shrugged away these thoughts from his mind and shakily stood up. Man, his head spinning! He could barely remember anything that had happened yesterday!

"Van!!! Van, where are you?!!" A voice rang through the early morning mist.

"I'm over here!!" Van hollered back. Boots could be heard running over the hard ground in his direction. Springing from the mist landed a young man with spiky brown hair. As he saw Van, however, he turned his head and clamped his hands over his eyes.

"Irvine, what's wrong?!!" Van started to walk towards his friend.

"What's wrong?!! WHAT'S WRONG?!!!! Dude, you don't have any damn clothes on, that' s what!!!"

"You're talking crazy Irvine, of course I have my. . ." His voice trailed off as Van looked down. . ."ARRRRGGHHH!!!!!!" he ran full pelt behind the nearest bush.

Opening his fingers a crack, Irvine glanced around. _Whew! Honestly, who want's to see that right after they've eaten?!!_

"Van," Irvine frowned at the bush and massaged his head with his fingers," We better find your clothes _before_ Moonbay and Fiona turn up. . . " The bush shook in agreement.

"Well, just hurry up, would you? I'm freezing!" Irvine rolled his eyes and began searching. Presently, his boots stepped on something light and went _crunch._ _Uhoh. . ._ he lifted his boot.

"Ummm...Van?"

"Yes?" came the irritated reply.

"I hope you like wearing the colour green. . ."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Your clothes. . . " Irvine coughed to hide a laugh ,"They're all burnt!"

"WHAT?!!!!" Van practically screamed. "No, no, no! This can't be happening to me!"

"Well look alive little buddy," Irvine smirked, "Your impending doom approaches. . ." Right then, Van sank as far as he could into the bush with embarrassment. Moonbay and Fiona were jogging over to them, attracted by all the yelling.

"Irvine!" Fiona stepped towards him, her voice full of concern, "Did you find Van? Is he ok?"

"Yup." Irvine just crossed his arms against his chest and smiled. Moonbay was becoming agitated as she grabbed his shirt and shook him.

"Where the hell is he then?!" Irvine nodded in the bush's direction. Before he knew what was happening, Moonbay was stomping over there, her sleeves rolled past her elbows and a murderous look on her face. _I'll teach him to run off and get lost! Stupid kid!_

"Wait, Moonbay!" Irvine gulped," Y..you don't understan.." He was cut off by a woman's scream. Fiona had a confused look on her face and ran over to join her friend who was peering into the bush.

"Oh, hey Van!" she looked down at curled up ball, "I didn't know you were an activist!" (a/n fiona doesn't really know why it's wrong to be nekkid...remember she was in that pod thingy?! * shrugs *)

"I'm not." was the muttered reply into the dirt.

"Then why have you got, 'WHY AM I NAKED? WELL I'M AGAINST THE SLAUGHTERING OF FLUFFY BABY ANIMALS, IF YOU SUPPORT ME, JUST SLAP MY ASS!' written on your back?" 

Van groaned. _That's why his ass hurt so much! Damn perverted country hicks!!_ Moonbay however, once recovering from the initial shock, turned her face away and shuffled in her bag. She found what she was looking for. . . a capsule which once she pressed, exploded in a cloud of yellow smoke and sent clothes drifting down on top of the bush.

"You're damn lucky I had that spare capsule, Van! C'mon Fiona, Let's go talk to Irvine for a minute." 

Fiona stared at her blankly.

"Can't I stay here?" Moonbay smacked her hand to her head, then slowly smiled.

"No ,I'll tell you when you're older."

Fiona glanced back at the bush and followed obediently behind the older female. Van exhaled the air he had been holding with a gasp. Finally! He grabbed clothes and began to roughly pull them on. What were those things that had attacked him? He had absolutely no idea, only that they *better* not be anywhere in the local vicinity once he got some food in his stomach. The amount of beating his pride had taken was almost too much to bear...

~ ~ ~

A/N: Phe has a number of baubles and hard candy hurled at her. well, after some complaints that i was 'too' mean to van, mayyybe he might be able to get his own back...*extends her arms and hugs van, who now has a 'kick me' post-it note stuck on his back* :P and yes, grins at one particularly irritated zoids fan- i _know_ i am weird! but hey! wait for it......^_^ THEY'RE AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!!!!!!! ^_^ bweheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!!! awwww, you can't all be _that_ mad at me, can you? sighs. sorrrrrrrry! u_u no more van-bashing for a while, i promise!

ummmm....i don't think this chapter really went anywhere....maybe the next one will be more interesting...*tarka and phe stretch their muscles to get ready to flee for their lives* eep! o.O


	3. Fleeee!

A/N: phe nods her head in agreement. yea, well i suppose the last chapter wasn't as good as the first. . . i'll take my time with this one and see how it turns out. . . here it goes!

Chapter 3 - Fleeee!!!

Phoenix smirked with evil satisfaction as she stretched out cat-like on a tree branch. Beating the crap out of someone- a zoid pilot, no less, was the perfect ending to the perfect day. She wondered how long it might take for some weirdo hillbillies to find Van and slap his ass till it resembled some sort of raw luncheon meat.

"Hey, Phe?"

"Yeeeea?" Phoenix looked down at Tarka who was sitting against the trunk of the tree. She noticed that ever since they got here, he'd been looking a little bit edgy for some reason. . .

"I was thinking. . ." He tilted his head back.

"A novel experience for you!" Phoenix cut in smugly.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. What I was _going _to say, was that I don't think it's such a good idea to stay here for too long. . . what if that kid comes after us?"

"Hmph! You worry too much!! I mean come on, it's just one little kid!" Phoenix tried extremely hard to suppress a giggle, but failed miserably, "Without any clothes on!"

"I still feel we should move somewhere else." he replied bluntly.

"Fine!" Phoenix sighed and rolled her eyes ,"I tell you what, crybaby. . . I'll climb to the top of the tree. If I see any enraged naked midgets stomping over the hills coming to kill us, we can move. But if I don't, we stay the night. Deal?"

"Deal." With her muse's agreement, Phoenix began to rapidly ascend the Cypress tree. The dark green needles closed around her like a thick blanket, blocking her view from the outside world. Soon she pushed through to the top, eyes wide at the amount of stars in the early evening sky. Remembering what she was doing, Phoenix shook herself and scanned the surrounding landscape.

"Tarka is so paranoid." She muttered to herself, "Honestly, there's no sign whatsoever. . . _Holy crap!"_ Far off, she could faintly hear the tell tale clunks and whirring of a zoid. . . No, make that. . . two zoids?!! _Shit! _Phoenix scrambled down the tree as fast as she was capable and landed soundlessly next to her dozing muse.

"Tarka, you baka!" She hissed into his ear as she shook him ferociously, "Wake up! There are TWO zoids on the horizon, but it was to dark to see which make they were. . . Come on!!! We have to move, NOW!"

Tarka smiled groggily, "Told 'ya so!" he stopped smiling when Phoenix started growling.

"Just hurry up, will you?"

"Sir, yes sir!" Tarka jumped up and did an exaggerate salute. Phoenix chose to ignore him and took to hovering a few meters off the ground, deciding where they should go. . . suddenly, with her keen eyes, she spotted an old ruin of a stone fortress , on the eastern horizon where the moon was just rising. _There! That would be the perfect place. . ._

Without a second thought , she grabbed her muse and jetted off into the air.

* * * * * * *

Irvine looked out placidly from the cock-pit of his command wolf. What a pretty looking shooting star! The first time he'd seen a red one before! He made a wish that the next time they ran out of food, that he'd have some rope to tie Van down with, so they wouldn't be out here in the middle of the night, searching for Van's supposed 'attackers'. As soon as he'd eaten something, Van went all quiet and started to twitch. . . the next thing Irvine knew, he'd jumped into his shield-lyger and started to run off. . ._stupid kid!_

At that moment, the radio started to buzz and crackle, interrupting his thoughts.

"Irvine, I found this old fortress up ahead where we could spend the night. It's not much, but it's pretty secure." Van's voice was fuzzy with static.

"Alright. Lead the way, and we'll follow."

* * * * * *

Phoenix bolted upright from her sleep as soon as she heard the invaders coming straight for them. She looked down at Tarka, who was snoring with his mouth wide open, and drooling. _Gross! _She creeped over to the edge of a window and making sure to stay in the shadows, she looked down. . .

__

Shimatta! There was the kid! With another guy and. . . 1...2 girls?!! They were all sitting around a campfire, their zoids looming beneath some nearby trees. 

"What are you doing?" Tarka said sleepily as he held his head.

"Shhhhh!" Phoenix clapped a hand to his mouth, "Do you want them to hear us?" She saw the confused look on his face and pulled him over to the window and pointed down. She motioned for him to be quiet and let him stand behind her.

Van was thinking over and over again in his mind how exactly he would take his slow and cruel revenge. Maybe he'd take _their _clothes, burn them and. . . tie them up against trees! Yesss. . . . He laughed maniacally in his mind.

"Another hot dog Van?" Fiona held him out a plate laden with food.

"Mmmmmm....You read my mind!" he grinned and started to wolf down his dinner at an alarming speed.

Phoenix felt her stomach growl as she looked down longingly at the group eating their evening meal. How long had it been since she'd eaten? She couldn't remember. At the base of the shield lyger sat a crate with. . .Phoenix made her pupils dilate to see better . . .food in it!!! Tones and tones of food! She explained with gestures to Tarka what she saw and his eyes grew large in anticipation. Crossing to the opposite window, they both jumped out and started to fly in the shadows towards the stationary zoids.

"Did you hear that?" Irvine looked above him sharply.

"Hear what?" All three answered in unison.

"That noise. . . it sounded like. . ." he stopped speaking and sighed when he saw them all looking at him weirdly. "Forget it."

"Maybe it's time we all should get some shut eye." Moonbay yawned. " 'Night everybody." She keeled over and was asleep before she hit the ground. The others followed suit and soon the camp fire burnt low into the night.

"My friend, I believe we have hit the jackpot!" Phoenix was speaking normal now, as they were too far out of range to be heard.

"Whoa, look at this!!" Tarka had tipped the entire crate upside down and was sifting through it's contents with a gourmet's eye. He held up a bag ,"Corn chips!!!" He ripped them open and began shoveling them down. Phoenix shook her head and muttered something incoherently. The moonlight washed over their ill gotten bounty making something sparkle enticingly. 

"I. . .don't believe it!!"she jumped up and grabbed a long silver can of something, and held it close to her face so she could read it properly , "It is!!" She undid the cap, threw back her head, took aim. . . and pressed the button.

"SPRAY CREAM!!!!!!!!" It filled every recess of her mouth, threatening to suffocate her in it's artificial sweetness. Sugar!!! Glorious, holy sugar! The stuff legends were created from, all here in this one little can! Finally, Phoenix had to swallow so she could come back to Earth for air. The experience had been unreal. Another mouth full couldn't hurt, could it? Nah. She had almost downed half the can when Tarka discovered she didn't have the intention of share and share alike. 

"Hey, gimme that!" he lunged on top of her, trying to wrestle it from her grasp.

"Nooooo!!!! It's mine!"

"Nnnngh!!! Let. Go!!"

"No!"

"Why to you have to take all the good stuff?"

"It's not my fault you're too slow!!"

After a vicious battle in which there was no clear victor, and both got sprayed a lot by the spray cream, they flopped down onto the ground in hysterical laughter. Phoenix wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at her wonderful prize in the silver light. Her purple eyes sparkled with an evil idea as she slowly got up.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?

"I think I am, B2!"

"It's graffiti time!" They both said and smirked in unison. ( A/N: ooook. let me explain this for all of you non-Australian readers....down here, there's this show on tv for little kids called bananas in pajamas. sound corny? well it's true, so just hush up and listen! yes, it IS actually about these two giant bananas who go around wearing these blue and white stripped pjs. Anways, they're both identical and called B1 and B2. When ever one of them gets and idea, they say the above. Are you thinking what i'm thinking b1? i think i am , b2! sigh.... a lot of you probably won't get it, but the situation just screamed at me to add it! ^-^)

Phoenix looked from the command-wolf to the shield lyger and back again. Which one to attack? Probably the lyger. . . it seemed like the type of zoid that egotistical jerk would pilot. She started to make her way over to where it stood, but was stopped in her tracks by a pair of illuminous red eyes.

"Uhhhhh Tarka?" 

"Hmm?"

"What in Hades is that?!!"

"Uh-oh..." The red eyes moved out into the light to reveal a small, raptor like machine- an organoid!

"Niiiice organoid, goooood organoid." Tarka was looking very nervous. Phoenix, however, steeled herself and walked past it, giving it a pat on the head.

"There's a good little guy. Go on, go to sleep now while we degrade your master's shield lyger. The organoid blinked and curled up on the ground, seemingly un-caring.

Tarka felt his safest option would be to fly _over_ all those pointy teeth, which he did at a very high speed. 

They had both reached their destination. Tonight, under this sparkling sky would they reach the pinnacle of evilness. Phoenix flew right up to the cock-pit's windshield and started to shake the can violently. When that was done, a whirring and squelching noise could be heard. A cloud passed over the moon, and when it rolled by, Phoenix flew back to admire her great artwork. In four foot high letters written in spray cream dripped the words:

'JUST MARRIED'

"Brilliant, absolutely brilliant."

"Yes, I know." Tarka's eyes darted over to the group of sleepers; one of whom were shifting uneasily in their blankets.

"Exit one, stage left?" Phoenix nodded. They flew back over the sleeping organoid but stopped at the sight of all their precious booty that lay on the ground.

"They couldn't eat that all themselves!"

"Nah. They packed way too much. . .I think we should lighten their burden." The two crammed as much foodstuffs as they could into pockets and robes. Finally, looking suspiciously lumpy, they headed for the next mountain range where they could spend the rest of the night in peace. Phoenix slept soundly, content with the knowledge that at the moment the score was Phoenix-2, Van-0. Ahhhh, the wonders of modern science. Bet the guy who invented spray cream would be turning over in his grave right now if he knew what his product was capable of in evil hands. She chuckled in her sleep, and plunged into dreams filled with candy and caffeine.

~ ~ ~ ~

A/N: Can you tell i have been consuming the two evil C's?!!! candy and caffeine!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ *eye starts twitching* MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! aHEm. . . ^_^ well, there is that chapter over and done with, i hope you guys enjoy it! [and draw some evil plots from it? :) ] *phe rubs all her bruises inflicted by angry mobs of Christmas shoppers* well, i've been a good little author, typing away before and after work, even though my limbs are threatening to fall off from exhaustion! to all my reviewers out there, YOU PEOPLE ARE THE COOLEST!!!!!!!! wow, i can't believe i've gotten 8 or 9 reviews already, and this is the fic's first week up! YAY!!!! *starts jumping around the room* tell me, do you think i should re-write chapter 2, or just make some. . . . modifications? *shrugs* well, let me know what you think! i don't mind people emailing me! unless they send some form of chain letters, then i start searching for something sharp and pointy. .grrrrrrr.... ehehe..sigh. well, come on people, make me proud and review!!!!!!!! can we make it to twenty by new years?!! ^-^

~ phe

ps. egads!!! that was a looong A/N!! *~*


	4. An unexpected something!

A/N: Heelo everyone!! ^_^ sorry i have taken forever and a day to update, but i have been held prisoner at work! *phe keels over from exhaustion* go.....on.....without.....me.

tarka; ok then! *starts walking away*

phe; hey!!! you baka!! that was just a figure of speech!

tarka; *shrugs and keeps walking anyway*

phe; *picks up next year's math's text book and aims it at his head*. . . .

ehehehe......*sigh* yes, here is chapter number 4! o.O wow! i can't believe i've gotten......something like 15 reviews!!!! that's more than the reviews for all my other stories combined!!! you guys must really like random violence and sugar highs....^_^ yep, my type of peoples!! *phe reads what she has just typed* eek! sorry to make you sit through that extremely lonnnnng A/N! but before i shut up, my especial thanks to the following persons:

Tyger and Darkdracofire and

Lightning Dragon.

YAY! these guys have reviewed ALL my chappies and been very nice. ^_^ not that im not grateful to all of you. *hugs everyone* ^_^ .....aHEm......

Chapter 4-An unexpected something! (t; about damn time, too!)

"Van!"

A mumbled reply issued from the teen as he rolled over and fell back asleep.

"Van!! Wake up now, dammit!!" Irvine stood directly over his friend and gave him a sharp nudge with the steel-capped toe of his boot.

"Ouch! Haven't you ever heard of anger management classes?" Van grumbled as he shook the dust from his clothes and slowly stood up. Irvine pretended not to hear him and grabbed his arm.

"C'mon. I have something I think you might want to see." The pair crossed the clearing and trudged over to where their zoids were standing offline. "Either we're dealing with some highly intelligent pigeons, or it's my guess we've had another visit from your friends.." A rush of colours swept over Van's features like one emptying a packet of m&m's into a bowl (a/n:mmmmmmm....chocolate....^_^) first blue with horror, then red.......annnd finally purple in a destroy-everything rage.

"I.....am......going......to.....find.....them." Van growled each word through clenched jaws, "and......when.....I.....do,.....heads......will.....roll." an evil grimace overpowered the rest of his emotions. 

Irvine leant against the leg of his command wolf and shook his head. _Here we go again..._he absent-mindedly looked around..._NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!THE FOOD!!!!!THEY'VE.....THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE FOOD, THOSE....BARBARIANS!!!!! _Irvine fell to the ground with tears in his eyes. _Why? *sniff*_

* * * * * * *

The aftertaste of last night's spoils was still lingering in the triumphant authoress' mouth. She rolled over and shook the silver can idly. _Empty. Damn._ Around her were littered cellophane wrappings, aluminium cans, paper and foil scrunched up into balls, cardboard boxes, and for some very odd reason which she couldn't place, half an empty jar of mayonnaise. _Hmmmm...._

The sun flew up like a bat out of hell behind the mountain ridge, out-lining everything with an orange fire. Light-shafts streaked down from the sky and slapped the slumbering muse awake.

Tarka's voice was slurred,"Whoa...no...mum, it wasn't _me_ who set little Timmy the cripple on fire....._honest......._"

"Little Timmy?"

Tarka gulped, laughed nervously then quickly changed the subject.

"Man, I am sooooo hungry!!! I haven't eaten since.....yesterday!!" After an assorted breakfast of marshmallows, melted ice-cream and confectioner's sugar, Phoenix and her muse trudged outside.

"What now, o great leader-person?"

"We......" Phoenix held an arm directly into the air, as Tarka hung on expectantly, "walk."

"Walk." He repeated tonelessly, "_That's _your great idea?!! Gahh!!! They begged me...._begged_ me to be an alien on Dr. Who.....but_ no_! I said!! No, I've got this really good gig as a muse, and any day now, my authoress is gonna make a situation that'll make me a star!!! Dammit!....." he trailed off fuming.

Phoenix rolled her eyes. She was used to all of this. Grabbing the back of his shirt collar, she dragged him down the slope, Tarka still muttering into his chest. She turned to go down a path, but to her surprise, someone was already standing there. A someone with a black raptor-like organoid. Phoenix gasped.

"Raven?!....."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A/N: Mwaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Cliffhanger!!!!!!!!!!! :) Yea, lots of ppl were asking me to put in Raven, so, there he is......but you have to wait until the next ch. to see what happens!

tarka: oh, you _are _cruel!

p: yeah...i know! ^_^ 

im so sorry that this chapter was pitifully short! u_u plz don't beat me!!i will try my hardest to make the next longer....and....um....more interesting!

Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!! until that time, REVIEWS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!!!!!!!!!!! 

tarka: gee that was subtle, if i ever saw it!

p;ehehe........^_^() *hinthintnudgenudewinkwinkreviewcough* ^_^ *phe holds next chapter up to the computer screen and waves it* go on!!! you know you wanna! ^_^ 


	5. What you've all been waiting for

IMPORTANT!!!!!: due to circumstances beyond my control....ie- my computer deciding to hate me, this has been posted later than i intended. u_u() 

A/N: Hot diggity-damn!!!! 24 reviews!!!!!!! YAYYNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^^_^ some more loyal reviewers to thank which i forgot to mention in the last ch. aHEm.....

Maelgwyn (sorry if i mispelt that!) I am sorrrrrrrrrrrryy!!!!!!!!!! i was going to put you in this chapter BEFORE you reviewed!!!!!!!! so there! :P nah, you're very nice! thankies!. ^_^

ShadowSpinner! same niceness aplies to you too, amigo! ^_^

There are lots of you who have reviewed, and hopefully i'll be able to fit everyone in somewheres.....(gee, that's the first time i've been able to say that!! ^_^) ehehe......be proud of yourselves guys! you've all spurred me on to tap out another chappie! (*grinds teeth* i _refuse_, absolutely REFUSE to use the word 'peeps'. gahhh!!!*shudders violently*) aHEm.......where was i?

t: ummmm.....i think you were about to start chapter 5.....

p: ahhhhh, yes, but first....to torture everyone longer.....RECAP TIME!

t: *sniffs* why.....why me?

p: muahahahahahaha!!!!!

_________________________________________________

Phoenix rolled her eyes. She was used to all of this. Grabbing the back of his shirt collar, she dragged him down the slope, Tarka still muttering into his chest. She turned to go down a path, but to her surprise, someone was already standing there. A someone with a black raptor-like organoid. Phoenix gasped.

"Raven?!....."

_________________________________________________

Chapter 5 - What you've all been waiting for! ;)

The dark haired boy standing before them frowned.

"Who are you, and how do you know my name?"

"Gee, well I ummm......" Phoenix smiled nervously and held her tail tightly, trying to think of some excuse to say.....

Raven sounded irritated and out of temper.. "Well, you what? I don't have all day, you know!"

Tarka was still muttering about lost career options in the background.

"What I mean to say is...." The ideas floating around in the flame-haired's brain clicked, and then sparked.

"I'm Phoenix. That over there is Tarka. Van told me all about you, he's out to kill me and I have no idea where to go and I was just about to start drifting aimlessly when you turned up, started to threaten me and that's everything. Happy now?" She said all of this extremely fast and in one breath.

Raven blinked.

"Riggggggght...."

Phoenix laughed nervously.

Raven frowned even more.

"Did you....did you say the name...._Van?_" He grimaced at the very mention of that hot tempered ignoramus. 

"Yup!"

"Hnnn....."

Seconds drifted by into minutes as they stood there, Raven with a hand on his chin and wearing a mask of perplexity.

__

Man, what the hell is he thinking about? Why is he just standing there? Damn, I need some caffeine! Ah, screw this. If he can't make up his mind about whatever, no reason for me to be here when I could be consuming something sugar coated!

Phoenix pivoted on the spot, and began to march in the opposite direction.

"Where are you going?" a voice called out after her.

She turned around angrily ,"Look, you might be used to standing around in the middle of nowhere all day....heck! that might explain your lack of social skills, but dammit! You can't expect me to hang around here forever waiting for that pipsqueak to come hunt me down!"

Raven raised an eyebrow, amused at the weakling's outburst.

"What _did_ you do to make an enemy of yourself to _that _baka?"

"Ermmmmm....*coughs* it's a rather a long...looong story."

Sitting cross-legged on the grass, he waved an arm expectantly.

"Well then, by all means, continue. Those happen to be my favourite kind."

Phoenix groaned inwardly. How did she get into all these messes? Ah yes.....unbridled temper.....*sigh* I guess I don't have much of a choice....

With that sigh she launched into a highly detailed flash back (A/N: readers, the screen has faded into blackness as the flash back ensues.... I won't post it again, otherwise there'll be more than one fan of this fic out for my blood for not getting on with the story....^_^)

Tarka interrupted the tale continually, explaining all the parts that his Authoress had specifically left out, such as the burning of Van's clothes, and the whole spray-cream incident. His punishment was many sharp slaps to side of his head.

Raven leaned forward and looked at them both hardly,

"I see. A crude, but interesting tale....of sorts."

Phoenix and Tarka huffed together in indignation.

"Welll excuuuuse me! You _were_ the one who asked for it!"

He smirked. _So easy to anger the red one....._

"It so happens that I happen to be hunting the same person you are fleeing from." He curled his fingers and looked down at his nails....(a/n: c'mon guys! y'all know the pose i'm talking about!)

"I could help you.....for a price."

"A price? But we don't have any cash!" Tarka whined behind Phoenix.

"Hnnn....well that does make things difficult, now, doesn't it?" His eyes scanned Phoenix's clothes, noting the fine embroidery and then finally, the sword.

"Give me that sword, and you have a deal."

A growl rumbled from the other's throat.

"Not unless you like your head on your shoulders."

"Now, now. No need for death threats, that's my department." 

Tarka grabbed Phoenix and pulled her off to one side.

"C'mon! We _need _this guy! Otherwise we'll probably be tracked down, and smushed into the mud with that kid's shield-lyger!"

"I am not giving up my sword." was the stubborn reply as she gripped the pommel menacingly.

"Maybe you don't have to give it up....."

"What do you mean?"

"That." A purple finger pointed to the large ruby in the center. "You could give him that."

"WHAT??!!!! Man, now you're just talking plain crazy!"

"Listen, that guy really means business! Just think, he might be able to rid us of the twerp forever!"

"Hmmmmm....that _does _sound tempting." Phoenix relented with a roll of her eyes and prized the gem off with a small ki blast. If only the great elvin lord Legolas could see her now.....she grimaced....reduced to haggling with nomads...(a/n: heeheeheeheehee^__________^ in my own little fantasy land, legolas IS GOD!!!!!! BWHEHEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEE!!!!! *wipes drool away from mouth* ehehe....onwards with the story!!)

She tossed the priceless stone in the grass at Raven's feet.

"There is your payment, and nothing more."

"Hnnnn......a coloured rock?"

One of Phoenix's eyes twitched in anger.

"Man, that just ain't any old rock you pick up out of the dirt!!!" Tarka stepped hurriedly in front of the fuming form to prevent a murder.

"That there is a ruby thousands of years old, formed when men were still evolving from apes!! It's worth more than this entire planet!!!"

"Well then, if you put it _that _way, it seems to be sufficient enough." said Raven, stuffing it in his pocket. Phoenix couldn't help feeling he was still staring at her sword....

"Don't get any ideas." She growled warningly. A smirk was all the answer she got.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A/N ANOTHER cliffie!!!!!! oooo.....*starts hearing growls and death threats from the audience* MuhAHAhahAHAHahaha!!!!!! just to torment the masses even MORE...

t:more? don't you think they've had enough with your craziness?

p: yes, more!!! and i prefer the term INSANITY!!!!!!!!!

t: *shrugs* whhhhatever.

as I was saying..........AN EXTRACT FROM THE UP COMING CHAPTER!!!!!!!

'Tarka shifted uneasily under the hungry gaze of the black organoid. Damn!! Just what he needed. Another robot with big pointy teeth!' *end extract*

what madness will occur??

will Raven be able to smush the evil little a/u Van??

or will phoenix and tarka end up being smushed also??? gahhhhh!!! the suspense is killing me!!!! *looks around, crickets are chirping. apparently, suspense has already killed the readers* oops! ehehe....u_u *restores everyone back to life* sorry 'bout that!

Now, on to some more thank yous!!!!!!!!! *cough* ....*phe pulls out a big, long list of wonderful people's names...*

Dark Angel

Fire Fox

Draconian Elflord

Wolfpup7

those are all i'm gonna mention for the moment....more of you next chap!!

^_^ thankayews everybody!!!!! you've all made me very happy! And a happy phoenix results in more twisted, and warped chappies of randomness!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ Whoa, i can't believe i typed this up in one day!!! Wooo hooo!!!!! ^_^ i thought of a theme-song for this fic!!! welll, not really....any of you know the song from.....gee....i can't remember where.....it's the song that never ends!!!! ^_^ replace song with fic, and singing with reading.....aHEm...

t:dear lord legolas!!!!!!!

This is the fic that never endssssss....

Yes, it goes on and on my friends.....

Some people...started reading it, not knowing what it was!

And then continued reading it forever, just because!

This is the fic that never endssssss......

......

t:save me!!!!!! o.O

one last thing, any one know the name of Raven's zoid? the original one???no, not shadow.... u_u shamefully, i have forgotten it. don't be afraid to email!!!! despite what my sanity status card reads, im not that scary! ^_^ another last, last thing......you know what i'm gonna say....don't you? yup. reviews= happy. happy=chappie. chappie= '. . . ." ^__________^ so......clickie the little buttonie plzie! or don't......*sniffs, tears well up*

t: *looks at the audience* now see what you've done??!!!!

p: ehehehe.....:)

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? ^_^


	6. The Hunts

A/N: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! fanfiction.net went down!!!! *sobs* well, i suppose it can't be helped.....gives me some more time to type up this ch! Yes, i know i do every time, but once again, this fic could not exist without everyone's wonderful reviews. Claps for everyone!!!! ^_^

Shadowfire Blade

Michiko

Raiche (have i already mentioned you before? *shrugs*)

^_^ that's it!!! the shortest author's note in a long while!! ^_^

RECAP TIME!!!!!!!!! (mwahahahahaha)

___________________________________________

"Well then, if you put it _that _way, it seems to be sufficient enough." said Raven, stuffing it in his pocket. Phoenix couldn't help feeling he was still staring at her sword....

"Don't get any ideas." She growled warningly. A smirk was all the answer she got.

___________________________________________

Chapter 6- The Hunt(s)

"Shall we?" he asked, motioning to his red Saber Tiger

"No, I don't need it."

"Well, unless you can fly.."

"Which I _can_."

"Really?.....Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

"Hmph!"

Tarka shifted uneasily under the hungry gaze of the black organoid. Damn!!! Just what he needed....another robot with big pointy teeth!!

It started to creep towards him....very slowly, and un-noticed by Phoenix.

"Come, Shadow. You know better." the organoid drew back sharply with a growl as Raven swung himself into the Tiger's cockpit. 

"_Attempt _to keep up, will you?"

He sounded almost bored. Wait!! He _was_ bored!!! _I'll show him!!_

"Same to you!" She flashed past Raven, barely a blur of red. Looking back, Phoenix saw his face, too shocked to do anything. But that was only for a second, maybe even less. He regained his smirk of evilness as he moved the saber tiger past her and began to set the pace for their journey.

* * * * *

"Gahhh!!! This is absolutely pointless! Trust a damn male to get us lost in the middle of nowhere for over two damn days!!!!!!" Moonbay had blown one of the few remaining fuses she had left.

"WE ARE NOT LOST!!!!!" Van rubbed his forehead, "I've just...yet to discover the direction in which we are heading...."

"In other words....we're lost." The sound of grinding teeth could be faintly heard.

"...no....."

"This wouldn't have happened if you had let _me _track them down." Irvine called smugly from the command wolf.

"Don't get started on me..."

Fiona stood a little apart from the group, who were attempting to maim each other in anger. She was horrified at the display of violence before her.

"Any....anyone want a pot of nice salty coffee?"

The wind blew through the trees and all turned their heads to look at her, their eyes were little dots and each had a sweatdrop on the forehead.

Moonbay sighed.

"That'd be great Fiona." She stretched her arms above her head and shot daggers with her eyes at Van's retreating back.

__

Stupid kid....

A mouthful of the errr......'lovely' coffee Fiona prepared snapped them all back to reality. There was no point in arguing, Van could see that now. He sighed heavily and turned to Irvine.

"Fine, Mr. I'm So Smart. Why don't you try leading us?"

"Huh?" Irvine couldn't believe his ears.

"Don't make repeat it, man." The taller grinned.

"I knew you'd come to your senses......_eventually."_

When he got no response, Irvine smirked. 

"Very well. Just so happens I picked up the trail a mile or so back. We've been on it ever since then."

"WHAT?!!!" Moonbay screamed some distance away. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!!!TRUST IN A @##!*&% MAN!!!......." *everyone runs away from her terrible rath, their hands covering their young sensitive ears*

(a/n: phe stretches and cracks her knuckles. not a lot has happened right now, has it? hmmmmm.....~!~ idea! this chapter needs a dose of super hyper randomness. *walks off and starts shoveling down sugar* i'm baaaaaaack! ~_^ *one eye is twitching* muahahaha....ONWARDS!!!!!)

* * * * *

"I'm borrrrred!!! When are we gonna eat?!! How far is it? Are we there yet?!..."

Phoenix struggled to stifle a laugh. Having survived Tarka's annoying personality for quite some time, she was used to his griping. But Raven? Ahhhh.....all she could say later on when she recalled the event was she wished she had a bucket of popcorn and a comfy chair. Raven's knuckles were white as he clenched the controls of the Saber Tiger.

__

Why doesn't that girl shut him up?!!!! Is she actually trying _to make me go crazy? Calm......down.....breathe....1....2...3..._ His thoughts were rudely interrupted by Tarka yelling loudly that he had accidentally squished a weird bug-thing and it was now all over his shoe.

__

That's it!!!! Raven swung the Tiger around and stomped over to unsuspecting muse. Tarka only looked up when the giant mechanical shadow was looming right over him.

"Yeees? Can I help you with something?" Raven growled at his stupidity.

"Stop that, or I'll squish YOU like a bug? Understand?!!" He raised the Tiger's paw so it was inches above Tarka's skull.

Phoenix decided to take on the role of Keeper of the Peace before some serious damage was done.

"Now, now, you naughty boys." she scolded mockingly, "If you keep that up, there'll be no dessert after supper!"

Raven muttered faintly that he was surrounded by idiots, and Tarka gasped in unmistakable horror.

"Now are two going to play nice? Wellll? I'm waiting..."

"I will if _he _shuts up!!"

"I'll take that as a yes.....Tarka?"

"Will there still be dessert?!!"

"I think I can manage to scrape together something..."

"Then....YES!!!" Tarka rolled out from underneath the Saber Tiger's paw of death and inhaled a large lungful of air in relief.

"Ummmm guys?"

"Hmmm?" Phoenix had taken to playing with her hair.

"Do you smell that?"

"Smell what? You're probably just imagining things again."

"No, man! I smell....I smell...._smoke!"_

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah!! It's coming from over there.....look! You can see it now too!"

Raven hissed softly.

"Van." 

Without waiting for the others, he took off towards the curling black ribbon, Shadow following him....well, like a shadow!

Phoenix clapped a hand on her muse's shoulder. 

"Coming?"

"Yeah...well, it's not like I really have a choice, do I?"

"Nah. Not really."

* * * * *

The group of weary travelers/ come hunters wallowed in their own misery around the campfire. Fiona had given up trying to start a conversation....she found all the replies she got were, "Not now, I'm too tired" and various pitches of grunts.

Van again was re-living the experience of slowly and cruelly torturing his tormentors in his mind. They seemed to be getting more violent these days....He felt a ripple in the ground beneath his feet, but paid no attention to it.

__

Vannn.....VANNNN!!!! 

"Hey! Quit That!!" He pushed Irvine away who was yelling in his ear and slapping his face. "What do you want?"

"Van!" Irvine whispered in a hushed voice as he looked fearfully over his shoulder ,"It's Raven!"

"Shimatta!" Van ran as fast as he could to his Lyger and began to do a button-mash on all the controls.

"Work...damn you, WORK!!!" The on-coming Saber Tiger slowed it's run down to a stalk. Both pilots looked at each other through the windshields. Both their voices crackled simultaneously over the wave-radio system.

__

"You!"

~ ~ ~ ~

A/N: dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!!! ^_^ cliffie!!! evil, evil cliffie! Next chapter.....FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! *phe laughs maniacally* any one care to place a bet?? one peanut? two? ^_^ no extract this time, as i've yet to think of something....

awwww, wow! tonnes of reviews!!!! *sniffs* i love you guys!!! c'mon...group hug!! *readers cringe and back slowly away* ehehehe....enough with the mushy stuff. but....i have a present i made for you guys!!! YAY!!! ^_________^ it's a fic....type.....thing......anywho, its called: Words of Wisdom From An Otherwise Insane Person.....alllll for youselves...welll....maybe for any others who stumble across it too. ^_^ can't be greedy now, can we?

tarka: hey!!! where's this dessert you promised me?!!

p: uhhh... hey, look! isn't that a flying...animal of some sort?"

t: where? I don't see any....

p: *runs away*

also next chapter....some others will be joining me in the madness that is this fic! ooooo.....who? well, wait and see!

audience: Awwww!!!!

:P 

But in the meantime, check out the other fic....(Maelgwyn? Tyger? Raiche? Wolfpup? everyone else who is the coolest because they reviewed? yeaaahhh, you all know you're dying to! ;) the title's above if you have such a short memory span that you've already forgotten it... but don't forget to review this fic too! ^_^

*phe trails off* This is the fic that never endsssss.....


	7. FIGHT!

A/N ahhh.....is this the final chapter?!! no,...probably not. ^_^ you can't get rid of me _that _easily!

t: *shakes head* you are such a baka...

p: HEY! I HEARD THAT!

t: YOU WERE MEANT TO!!

p: THAT'S IT!! NO DESSERT FOR A WEEK!!

t: *sniffs* I'll be good! I'll be good!

RECAP! ^_^

___________________________________________

"Shimatta!" Van ran as fast as he could to his Lyger and began to do a button-mash on all the controls.

"Work...damn you, WORK!!!" The on-coming Saber Tiger slowed it's run down to a stalk. Both pilots looked at each other through the windshields. Both their voices crackled simultaneously over the wave-radio system.

__

"You!"

____________________________________________

Chapter 7- FIGHT!! *phe rips open a big bag of peanuts* 

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!! *cough*......this chappie is going to be randomly written by myself, tarka...o...and ummmm. this is....

ME!!!!! ^____________^

Yes, well as i was SAYING!!!!! *evil glare* Tyger and Darkdracofire are here, so they'll be putting in stuffs as well...

So look out for a totally different writing style! ^_^ 

That's what i was just going to say....*shakes head* anyways, I suppose we had better start the chapter, hmmm?

t:yeah....

Same title, etc.

Phoenix and her muse were currently presiding in a tall tree, neither one of them particularly wanting to be smushed by the on-coming battle....A rustling was heard some twenty feet below her...looking down she saw a rather peeved-looking Irvine in his Command Wolf. He smirked evilly at them.

....

10 seconds later, Phoenix was flying away for her dear life, her totally unconscious muse being dragged along by the tail witch had _started_ all of the problems in the first place.

"Damn it Tarka!! Why did you have to be so damn heavy in the first place?" Tarka muttered deliriously about how he would never again see his beloved Oreos, then slipped back into unconscious. She sighed. Her muse _had _to be good for something.... she just hadn't figured out what yet....

MEANWHILE

Van, with the ever-helpful Zeek running the combat controls, had managed not to be destroyed yet.... but Raven was obviously the better pilot. And this was _without_ Shadow's help. They faced each other, ready for an old-fashioned showdown. Just as they were about to charge, however, the air immediately in between them began to shimmer, and a black figure, with huge blue wings appeared. The shimmer disappeared, and the wings immediately stopped the figure from plummeting to her death. A voice was faintly heard to each of the pilots.

"Where the feck are we _now_?"

"Ummmmm......It appears we have been absorbed into the fanfiction of the one known as....'Phoenix'." Muttered a shape on her shoulder, which was faintly discernible as a different living thing.

"Figures. I wonder where she is - it's not like her to miss a battle."

Currently, Tarka was beginning to feel like a dead weight hanging from Phoenix's fluffy appendage. She was seriously considering dropping him. It's not like he really did anything anyways, except keep her in a constant shortage of cookies. But then again.... she supposed she could use him as a non-human shield to ward off attacks.

"I don't know who you are, and I don't care!" Shouted Raven, annoyed that his final and absolute victory was being interrupted. "Get off the battlefield _this instant_, or I will kill you!"

"How.... original." Muttered the smaller shape.

"It's not really all that surprising, judging from the organoid on the cliff to our east, it's Raven, and seeing as he's facing a Shield Lyger, that would be Van."

"He's as bad as Vegeta when it comes to revenge." The taller nodded her agreement.

"I wonder where Alisi-Lynette is."

"Who knows? Probably with Moonbay."

"Stop stating the obvious. Irvine is missing also. What _has_ Phoenix been up too?"

Phoenix gave up trying to shake Tarka awake and deposited him in a convenient tree. Now all she had to worry about was Irvine....

"BEWARE!!! I AM THE AUTHORESS WHO BURNS CLOTHES!!!! TREMBLE IN FEAR, YOU FOOLISH ANIME CHARACTER!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA......" 

Irvine did a double take. This sudden outburst was rather...disturbing. And did she just call him an anime character?!! What the hell was that?!! He thought it was probably an insult and his blood boiled. 

"Give yourself up! You don't stand a chance against my Command Wolf and I!"

Phoenix shook her head in mock sadness.

"Irvine, Irvine, Irvine. I'm afraid _you_ don't stand a chance! You see, I've been real nice up to this point, what with not playing any tricks on you at all.....surely you don't want to mess that up!"

Irvine blinked. What was she saying?!! Was...was she ....some sort of....god?!!

A voice sounded in his mind.

__

Yes, mortal, I AM GOD!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Irvine snapped out of his stupor. 

"Hey! God wouldn't do an evil laugh of victory like that!!"

"Really? Oh....ummm..damn! Well then.....hohohohohoho....that doesn't really sound menacing and evil though!" Phoenix trailed off, testing all the various sorts of evil laughter she had ever heard of, as Irvine clapped his hands to his ears.

"Why....me?" *sniff*

"_beware.......who burns clothes.....fear.....-ish anime character..........ha_"

The winged being raised an eyebrow.

"Now we know where Phoenix is."

"AND she's calling the people characters..... _again_" Van had also heard the voice.

"_Her...._" His voice was positively _dripping_ with hate. The tall being's ears, although oddly shaped, picked up the sound. Within and instant, she was sitting on the Lyger's nose.

"You know Phoenix?"

"Yes." She sighed.

"What did she do?" Van quickly relayed the two tales.

"That's all?"

"Isn't it bad enough?"

"She's done worse. _Much_ worse. This is positively _tame_ for her. Any Idea where she is?"

"No."

"Damn." The second figure, which although it had been sitting on the larger's shoulder for the whole conversation, hadn't been see by Van, softly remarked.

"Mayhaps Raven knows." The taller blinked in agreement.

"Possibly."

Raven dropped the Saber Tiger into a fighting stance. If those two...._things_ weren't going to get out of the way, he'd just blow them up along with Van!

"May your deaths be excruciatingly painful and slow." he muttered evilly."

"Hey! Ummmm..." Van's voice hummed over the radio, "Before you blast us all into oblivion, mind telling me where the...whatever-they-were's went to?" Another voice sounded.

"He means the demi-saiya-jin, demi-elf Authoress Pheonix, and her muse Tarka."

"Oh....them. Over there....I believe your friend Irvine is screaming for mercy, or are my ears not working correctly?" 

Van gasped, but the two figures rolled their eyes.

"Definately found."

"Hnn."

Raven, not particularly caring of Irvine's demise, locked on his sights. The figures on the Lygers nose were going to _die_. The interruption had gone on long enough. He fired. He heard the Lyger's - and Van's - scream of pain, but no others? Had he missed? Impossible!

"He-lo!" A face peered down at him. The eyes narrowed.

"Where did you get that?" A hand pointed at the ruby he had received from Phoenix.

"That weird girl-thing gave it to me." The eyes blinked.

"Possible. _However_, I will be taking it."

"WHAT!" But, contrary to all his previous beliefs about matter, the hand went straight through the Zaber Tiger's armour and grabbed it.

"Why you.... SHADOW!!!" The organoid prepared to fuse with the Zoid, but the second, smaller black shape was waiting. It smashed itself into the energised body of the organoid, sending it flying and knocking it out.

"Not going to work, Raven."

"Wha- How do you know my name?"

"It doesn't matter. I'll be shutting your Zoid -_and_ Van's - down for a while. Don't bother trying to get it working again. After Phoenix is delt with, I'm sure it will work again. Look after you organoid. And with that, she was gone.

A loud stream of cursing was heard some distance away.

__

DAMMIT!!! I WANTED TO SEE SOMEONE DIE!!!!! *muttermutter*

She felt a sharp poke in her ribs and a voice in her head,

"That was just a warning. Next time I see you trying to kill everyone off, there will be SERIOUS trouble!"

"Fine!" *mumblemutter*

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing, o, mighty (but no as much as I) one." She turned and beamed at the two forms standing behind her. _Then_ she found herself staring at the point of a sword.

"Whaaa-aaaaat? It's not like I actually _hurt_ anyone." They both glared at her.

"Ok ok!" she threw up her hands, "I may have left that kid nekkid to die, and left evil messages written on his Lyger....and 'borrowed' his food, but I mean, c'mon!! He wouldn't have been able to eat all of that anyway!! I...I mean _we_ were doing it for his own good!" More glares, and the smaller one sped off. The taller threw something into the air.

"Hey! That's my-"

"I know. Now how did Raven get it, hmmm?"

Phoenix shifted uneasily.

"Well...ummm....I had no cash, and I didn't feel like giving up my sword, so I had to *begrudingly* give him that so all parties involved (though mainly me) weren't squashed into pancakes!!" (a/n bet'cha thought i was gonna say bugs!!! hmmmm? *looks around* well, i would, but I've run out of them....^_^() ) 

"And _why_ was he going to squish you?"

"HE wasn't going to squish me.....VAN was!"

"_That_ is not surprising. So you were basically hiring him to kill Van off."

"Welll.... ummm......he was already going to kill Van anyway!!! I just gave him...a little...nudge."

The small figure came back with Tarka in tow.

"So. Now I have your ruby, your muse, and you at sword point. What would you do if you were in my position?"

Phoenix smiled brightly.

"Give my ruby back. Let me go, you can keep Tarka....( 'HEY!') and then we all sit down and eat...errr.." she delved into her robe ,"A caffinated sugar coated nougat-type bar?"

"Hmmm, let me think about that.... **_No._**"

"Well you don't give me a heck of a lot of options to choose from, do you?"

"Who said you had any options? Give me your sword down, and I might - _might_ - let you go."

"Give. You. My. Sword?" The air around Phoenix swirled and grew dark. "Nobody. Takes. My. Sword." She unsheathed her weapon in the blink of an eye and held it level to the figure's own. "But I really don't want to hurt you. Despite the fact you must think I am some sort of maniac for terrorising all these people.....they just got in the way of the final goal...."

"Which is?"

"Sugar-fuelled world domination." The smaller one sighed.

"At least it's a little original." The taller one smirked. The ruby disappeared up her sleeve. "So you want to fight?"

"Not really. Personally I think you're probably stronger than me. Hey, I won't deny it. I just want my ruby back." The tall one raised an eyebrow.

"Is that _all_ you care about right now?"

"Well....I suppose getting the purple baka back is pretty important as well."

"Anything else? Or am I wasting my time?"

Phoenix suddenly blinked in realisation, and she flashed her most wondrous smile, showing her sharp pointy canines.

"Thank you ever so much from rescuing us both from probable squish-dom?" The tall one blinked.

"Who said I was rescuing _you_?"

"Well......ahhhh...I see....." *Phe hides a smirk* "Never mind then...."

"I mean, I'm _sure_ you're big enough to take care of yourself." She smirked, showing her small fangs. "I mean, although you _are_ 20cm my shorter, and don't understand _why_ your muse is so annoying, you _are_ a fully-grown Authoress, after all. I mean, what type of Authoress would need _rescuing_?"

"Ummm.....A fledgling one?" The smirk grows wider.

"Very good. Now, how do you define fledgling, hmm?"

"Errrr....one who was just like the rest of the ignorant masses until some months ago, then someone mentioned a certain site, and a certain fic was spawned out of boredness....and the one has ummm.....still much to learn?" The figure actually smiled.

"Eloquent, hmm?"

"Yes, quite, however...." A blue sparkling of energy surrounded the figure, and her eyes glowed. The blue sparkiliness also surrounded Phoenix. And then they were not there.

Several kilometres away, Van and Raven, unable to fight each other, had both made temporary shelters against their Zoids. Shadow had regained consciousness, and was glowering at Zeek, Van and Raven periodically. Zeek was curled up, asleep, Van was pouting, and Raven was just sitting. Suddenly, in what would have been the precise centre of their battlefield, had there been a battle, two figures appeared. One, the dark shape, the other.

"_Her_" as Van eloquently put it. She looked around, confused.

"What th-" Shield Lyger. Van. Van rushing at her, fist raised. Sparkly blue shield pushing him back. Confusion.

"He will not interfere. Now, fledgling one, we fight." The figure's cloak blew away in an unseen wind. A long, brown plait of hair fell down her back. A thin purple tail waved out for balance. She griped her sword and smirked.

Phoenix returned the smirk.

"Well sensei, if you had of _said_ it was you in the first place!" She drew her sword as well. Several kilometres away, Tarka suddenly had the urge for peanuts...

"I'm not your teacher.... but I'm honoured you think of me as such."

*Phoenix bounces up and down*

"EXCEL SAGA!!!!!! DBZ!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! All of these things would have been non-existent to me before the point of conversion.......but, I'm getting off track."

"As you always do." Raven and Van, watching the whole conversation with confusion, sat down and watched with interest.... Raven because he just *knew* some blood was going to get spilt, Van because he thought that _She_ was going to get hurt. Both smirked in anticipation. It was really quite freaky how similar those smirks were....

Phoenix got a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. Not dropping her sword an inch, she turned her head slowly around...

"Errr...can I help you?" Both of those seated on the ground blinked and then flushed vividly.

"Cash, savings or credit?" The figure smirked.

"Do you have Fly Buys at all?!!" Phoenix chimed. Both males looked at each other, at the two girl-type-things, and then at each other again.

"Wha-" The figure snickered at there obvious confusion.

"Now, are we going to stand here all day, or are we going to fight?"

"Yeah, I suppose that would be an idea....I'm getting hungry..."

"Saiya-jins" Muttered the figure. "You're all the same."

"Demi-Saiya-jin/ demi-elf." Phoenix corrected. The figure looked at her oddly.

"Never mind...." A silver flash blinded the onlookers and a violent clash of steel was heard. The fight had begun....finally.

Far, far away....

Tarka doubled up in pain. The urge to eat peanuts had become so great, that he started to gnaw his own foot... He was abruptly dropped by the smaller figure.

"You could have _said_ you were awake! You weigh at least _twice_ as much as my Authoress - and she's _much_ taller than you!"

"And ....and who exactly IS your Authoress?" Tarka was cursing the people who made shoes....why did they make shoe-laces so indigestible?

"Do you _really _have no brain, Tarka, or are you just acting?"

"Huh?"

"Figures." It muttered.

"Figure what? Figure 8?"

"Baka! Fool! Idiot! Imbecile!"

"Who? Me?"

"Is there anyone _else_ around?"

Tarka pointed at a small form on the ground.

"That guy over there...but I think he might be dead already...hang on, I'll check." Tarka picked up a nearby stick and began prodding the body.

"Must you? He's at _least_ a week old. And you don't know where it's been!"

"But it's sooo cool! Can I have one for my birthday?"

"The same one?"

"YEAH!!" Tarka nodded enthusiastically. The figure flys away.

"I don't know why I bother." He turns around. "Well? Are you coming? There's a major kickass fight on, and I don't want to miss it!"

The body did not respond, but quietly continued decomposing.

"I guess not. Oh well, best be off." Tarka planted the stick in the body's eye socket, (just in case someone else might want to prod it) and streaked after the form which was trying to escape his stupidity.

MEANWHILE

Fiona and Moonbay were lost. Again. They had woken up to find the Lyger and Command Wolf gone, and no trace of the boys.

"I wonder where they've gone." Asked Fiona.

"I don't know, but when I find them, they're going to wish they'd never been born!"

"Why?"

"Because - never mind." Ten minutes later, they came across a clearing, partially surrounded by forest, partially by cliffs. A sight they _never_ would have expected met there eyes. Van and Raven, sitting next to each other and _not trying to kill one another_, eating popcorn and watching two faster-than-the-eye-can-see figures fight. All was....not right. Moonbay gasped as the two figures paused, and one glared at her. It then seemingly dismissed her presence and continued. She walked over to Van.

"_Where have you been?_"

"Oh, hi Moonbay, Fiona, sit down and watch the show!" He beamed at her. "Do you want some popcorn?"

Phoenix lapsed a little, only to have the other slash a large hole in her uniform.

"Did you hear that? They think this is a show!!! For Kami's sake!! They even have popcorn!!"

"Lucky them." The larger figure didn't even look. 

"Damn, I feel like popcorn...." Phoenix ignored her growling stomach, and pushed the hair out of her eyes. The figure smiled a little. 

"Well, it _took _you long enough." The small piece of darkness once again alighted on her shoulder.

"IT is heavy, and likes prodding corpses."

"Figures."

"Don't tell me he's been doing what I think he's been doing!"

"Yes."

"TARKA!!!!" Tarka ran behind the stationary Zoids, on the way, snatching the popcorn out of Van's bewildered hands.

"Not peanuts, but close enough."

Raven stood up, evidently irritated...for, some....unknown reason.

"HEY!!! ARE YOU TWO _EVER_ GOING TO FIGHT!!!! IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAND THERE, THEN AT LEAST REACTIVATE MY TIGER SO I CAN DEFEAT VAN!!!!!"

Phoenix blinked.

"You deactivated his Zoid?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

"Sheesh! No need to get snippy!" Phoenix grinned. "But....um... I think we might have a little situation on our hands...." Raven had decided that if he wasn't able to fight with a Zoid, he'd just have to strangle the life out of Van. Irvine made no attempt to restrain him.

"Deal with it." The smaller black shape flew over to the pair of them, bit Raven on his nose, grabbed Van, deposited him in his Lyger, locked him in, and did the same to Raven. As he was about to fly back, however, a blue beam of energy hit him. It ended up that Shadow was .... _sitting_.... on him.

"Get off." The dragonic organid responded, but as no-one but Zeek could understand, the meaning was lost. He did however, look up from his nap amusedly.

"Do what he says, man!" Tarka rubbed a lump on his head tenderly," Or you won't live to regret it!!"

The organoid, however, pretended not to hear.

"He's in for it now," the figure remarked.

"Yeah..." the other smirked, and picked up the forgotten popcorn. The smaller shape seemed to glow for a second, and then, inexplicably, just .... got bigger.... and bigger, and bigger, until it was easily the size of a Zoid.

"Wha-?"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!POPCORN!!!!!! BUTTERED, TOO!!!!"

"The world is doomed." The now-not-so-taller observed. For those _not_ concerned about Phoenix's mental state, however, the previously-small figure was revealed to be a dragon. Shadow, far from ready to give up, blushed. Phoenix edged her way over to the other humanoid, barely...but just barely able to control her fit of hysterics. The dragon, far from impressed, snarled at the blushing organoid. This only caused it to blush brighter, and shift uncomfortably. It said something unintelligible to Zeek, who, if organoids could smirk, would be wearing the biggest Vegeta-type smirk of them all. The dragon took off, somehow flying and regaining his usual size at once.

"Tyyyyy-gggggeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr!!!! It's scaring me!!!!!" He cowered behind the taller figure, obviously scared. Phoenix had to admit it, even she was slightly disturbed when she saw Zeek looking at the dragon, then at Shadow, then back again, and...._winking?_ But wait!!! Organoids aren't supposed to have eyelids!!!! What the hell?!! Tyger, as she had been named, raised an eybrow.

"Why?"

"Because- because - IT JUST IS!!!!"

"Do you want me to bash it for you?"

"Yes! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!"

"Is _that_ all? Do it yourself."

"Nu-uh, I'm not going anywhere _near_ it!" She sighed.

"And I thought you were slightly more mature than Tarka."

"Shutup. It's not as if YOU have something like THAT blushing at you!"

"If I did, I would have run it thorough by now."

"Yes, but you kill things that just _look_ at you."

"True. So?"

"Just get rid of it already!"

"Okay, Okay!" She glowed blue, and the organoid glowed blue, and disappeared.

"Better?" He nodded. "Good. Mayhaps we can fight now?" The last was directed at Phoenix.

She shrugged and screwed up the now-empty popcorn bag. 

"Sure!" The fur on her tail bristled and seemed to change colours....

"What's this?"

"Hmmmm? Oh, well, I thought a colour-change might be nice. I didn't really want my tail to be golden for a demi-super-saiya-jin. How does silver look?" Tyger just rolled her eyes. 

"Does it matter? It doesn't affect your fighting abilities, so why bother?"

"No bother at all! I just felt like being silver!" She raised her sword and bowed. Tyger just raised her sword. The first impact sent the surrounding earth to fly some ten kilometres away. The second crumbled the surrounding cliffs into dust. The third....well, the third had Phoenix (as a fledgling Authoress) gasping for breath, but only for a second. Van, Raven, Fiona, Moonbay, Irvine and Zeek wondered how they survived - just for a second, before they notice the pale blue bubble surrounding each of them. 

"What is this stuff?" Van commented as he reached out to touch it, only to be violently zapped into something which half- resembled a burnt piece of toast. Although he couldn't hear it, he could still see Fiona and Moonbay pointing their fingers and laughing at him through the translucent blue haze. The dragon, who, wisely had left Tyger's shoulder, snickered, and found a jutting outcrop of rock to sit on. Tarka.... no-one was really sure _what_ Tarka was doing....

SCREEN SWIRLS INTO TARKA'S P.O.V. (beware, this may be icky)

No peanuts. No popcorn. Weirdo organoids blushing at Tyger's muse. Why was that anyway? He decided that he'd ask Phoenix when she finished up fighting. _If she even survives, that is..._ He shrugged and began searching for the small dragon. Where on not-Earth was he? Was he....was he...._trying _to avoid him?!!!! *Gasps* Nah, that couldn't be possible...everyone liked him...even that new friend he had to leave behind... A crack split the earth beneath his feet, and he jumped to one side. Man! What are they trying to do?!! Kill each other? Or worse....kill him?!! Ahhh... there was the other muse...

"HEL-LO!!"

SCREEN SWIRLS INTO THE NORMAL P.O.V. ..... Then gets bored, and SWIRLS INTO THE DRAGON'S P.O.V.

I heard the idiot muse come up behind me.

"HEL-LO!"

"Good Morning." If that imbecile was going to stick around.... I think I'll bite it. Again. Does it ever learn? Probably not. Figures.

"What'cha doing?"

"What does it LOOK like?"

"I dunno! What _does _it look like?" That was it! One more stupid comment, and I'd bite it. People like it annoyed me no end.

"Go away. You're blocking the view."

"View of what?" Patience.... get him while he's not looking.....

"The fight."

"Oh, _that_. Why would you want to see that? C'mon, let's go.... OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! What'd you do that for!?!"

"You are an annoying idiot excuse for a muse. _Also_, you are blocking the view." Tarka looked slightly offended.

"But.... but...." But the dragon had already gone.

SCREEN SWIRLS BACK TO NORMAL P.O.V. ....and appears to be contented with that....

Whoever said that the mind was a wonderful thing, had obviously never met Phoenix.... For some strange reason, it kept getting in the way of fighting....She mentally clocked it around the back of it's squishier part.

"Stop that!! I'm trying to fight!!"

"Exactly...trying...you know all you really want is world domination and a couple hundred million slaves..."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!!"

"Sure. Just keep telling yourself that...."

"ARRRGHH!!!" Phoenix's evil alter-ego leapt on her mind and began beating it with a 2" by 4".

"Had enough?!"

"Ouch!!....*whimpering* I guess so...."

"Very well then, just shut up and be NON annoying!!"

Tyger rolled her eyes and sighed. She seemed to be doing that a lot these days. Trying to make sure Phoenix didn't kill herself before she got proper control over herself _and_ her muse was a tough job. _AND _there was no hazard-pay! But then again, she _did_ volunteer. Might as well look after someone she already somewhat-knew than a TOTAL stranger.... ah, the catches of being an Authoress.....

"World domination....." Phoenix's mind whispered as it bounced inside her skull," You know you wanna....."

"HEY! I thought I told you to shutup?!"

"Just doing my job! I'm putting the shrink's kids through college!"

A low growl escaped her throat.

"Ok, ok! No need to get all cranky!"

"GAHHHH!!!! I....can't....take....it.....any......moRE!!!!" Phoenix raised the butt-end of her sword, and knocked herself into unconscieness....

"Ha!! That shut it up...."

Tyger flew down and grabbed the comatose Authoress.

"Baka." She alighted to the ground, and the blue balls that surrounded the other people disappeared.

"I'm sorry if we are a bother, but do you know where Tarka went?" Everyone blinked at her.

"Guess not. Darkie?" The dragon appeared on her shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Go find Tarka, and bring him back to my Space, would you?"

"Alright. Do you need a hand with her?"

"No, I'll be fine." The two humanoids disappeared, and the dragon streaked off, found the purple fool, and disappeared as well....

A/N: welllll.....that was...ummmm....'interesting', ne? ehehehe.....thanks to Tyger and Darkie for participating......though i take full credit for all that was written...

Tyger: *glares* You were saying.....

hmmm?....o, ummmmm * unaware they had not left the room* err....in that case, Tyger and Darkie DID write most of this, so all hail them!

t: LOOKIE!!! another body!!! *runs and begins to poke it*

Darkdracofire: Humans.....

phoenix: where are all these bodies coming from?.......

until the next chapter of unavoidable DOOM.....MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Tyger: No, were not finished.... I've still got the ruby, and well....Phoenix is psychotic......I'd appreciate any help in torturing her back to normality.... or whatever it is that 'rehab' actually is.....

Phe: :P I HEARD THAT!!!!! but yeah....if you wanna join in....(NOT TO TORTURE ME!!!!) but purely for sugar-fuelled world domination...

Tyger:....or stopping such idiocy....

Darkie: At least it's a BIT original.....

Phe: MWAHAHA! *makes screen swirl and a small girl sits up in bed...'Hmmmm...it was just a dream...' Nah. I'm not that evil/idiotic....though some persons may beg to differ....

BWEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

This chapter brought to you by: Phoenix, Tarka, Tyger and Darkdracofire.

Flames will be eaten as a popcorn/peanut substitute.


	8. And the plot thickens

A/n: *whistles* can you believe we're up to chapter eight?!! ......already?!! *

t: *shakes head* sometimes i worry about you....

p: meh! but last chappie i had evil help! mwhahah......and this chappie will have other evil help!

t: more? *cringes* who....exactly?

p: MAELGWYN AND CW!!!!

t: *looks blankly* who?

p: *slaps him on the head* just shut up and do your job!!

RECAP:

_____________________________________

"GAHHHH!!!! I....can't....take....it.....any......moRE!!!!" Phoenix raised the butt-end of her sword, and knocked herself into unconscieness....

"Ha!! That shut it up...."

Tyger flew down and grabbed the comatose Authoress.

"Baka." She alighted to the ground, and the blue balls that surrounded the other people disappeared.

"I'm sorry if we are a bother, but do you know where Tarka went?" Everyone blinked at her.

"Guess not. Darkie?" The dragon appeared on her shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Go find Tarka, and bring him back to my Space, would you?"

"Alright. Do you need a hand with her?"

"No, I'll be fine." The two humanoids disappeared, and the dragon streaked off, found the purple fool, and disappeared as well....

_______________________________________

Chapter 8- And the plot thickens.... 

Phoenix woke up with a pounding headache. 

"Headache? You have a head?!!" 

"Shut up. This is all your fault you know. If you hadn't said all those crazy ideas, we wouldn't be in this mess." Phoenix's evil alter-ego sat on a table, glowering at her mind. The mind was jumping up and down and pulling faces. The evil alter-ego drew out the 2" by 4"..... 

"Ouch!! Stop That!!"

"Never!"

"Owwie Owwie Owwie!!"

"Excuse me." the battle paused and it's participants looked at Phoenix who was tied down to the floor. "Yeees?"

"Do you think you could get back inside my skull?" They both nodded but when the mind tried to enter, Phoenix shook her head.

"Sorry, it's been fun, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go." 

"Really?"

"Yeah....."

"Oh....can you give me a reference then?" 

"Anytime." And with that the mind put on a hat, and packed a suitcase (don't ask where it got them) and left Tyger's Space. The evil alter-ego laughed maniacally. Finally! It shouted. I wondered when you were going to get rid of it..... "Well, it seemed best for everyone." Phoenix struggled to get up, but found she couldn't. 

"What the feck is going on?"

"What do you _think_?" The figure Rolled her eyes. "You're too dangerous to let run about my space. Most of it has breakable things in it! _However_.... If you can prove to me that you will behave, I _might_ release you." Phoenix's face twisted into anger, guilt, and then submission. 

"Fine..." she muttered.

"Hnn." Phoenix glanced around for Tarka. Where had the idiot gotten to?

"Yo! Authoress! Wassup?"

"Why in Kami's name are you talking like that?" Tarka flushed.

"I jus' saw 8 mile! A feckin' good movie!"

"Watch your language, or I'll remove your tongue!" Tarka clamped his mouth shut. 

"That's better. So....Tyger....." 

"What?!" The figure was trying to play with her gamecube and was irritated at the disturbance. "Ummmm......care to....oh......I don't know....let me go?"

"Why would I want to do that?" 

"Out of the goodness of your heart?" 

"Goodness? Me? You have *got* to be kidding me." Tyger rolled her eyes. "I will, however, cut you loose and send you back into your fan-fiction. Thereupon, you shall not kill, maim or destroy anything. Also, you will not leave the 'fic until I'm convinced of your sanity. Do you understand?" ....Silence.... "You *do* understand it's the only way you'll get out." Tyger turned back to Starfox. ....Silence.... "FINE!" Tyger smirked. "Took you long enough." She waved a hand and the ropes disintegrated. A black hole gaped in the floor, as Phoenix and muse began to be sucked into it's endless void. A voice called after them. "I still have your ruby you know! I think I might hang onto it.... just in case...." "NOOOO!!!" The screen became black, and Phoenix knew no more. 

BACK IN THE ZOID REALM...

A disk of sparkly blue light swirled and hummed in the sky. A loud yelling was to be heard, and two bodies hit the ground. Well, one of the bodies hit the ground. The other kinda floated and landed with a _thud._ Fiona and Moonbay jumped when they heard the noise. Who was this?!! Not the insane girl with a tail....They ran over to the crash landing site, ignoring Van and Raven beating their fists against the glass of their deactivated zoids. Yes, they were still locked inside them.

Could this get any weirder at all? Probably. Lying sprawled in the dirt was a form unlike any they had ever seen.. It was male, Moonbay smugly discovered, wearing jeans, a t-shirt....and....silver armour? He had brown hair and an overly-long fringe. By his side sat a little blue stuffed animal.

"How cute!" Fiona picked it up and hugged it tightly.

"Oh, yeah baby!" the formerly cute animal yelled. Fiona shrieked and dropped it promptly. 

"What the hell are you?" The blue form looked indignant.

"CW, muse to the almighty MAELGWYN!! ALL KNEEL BEFORE HIM, AND HE MAY SPA-"

"What?" One of CW's eyes began twitching.

"For Pete's sake!! HIM!!" He pointed at the Author lying on ground.

"Wha- CW! Where are we? Have I passed out again from lack of caffeine?"

"Noooo.....We have been sucked into Phoenix's warped....fic.....whatever-it-is."

"Really? How cool!!! How come she's not here?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" CW replied angrily. 

"Because you're my damn muse!"

Irvine entered the scene and looked confused.

"He's your what?"

"Don't worry, you wouldn't understand...just think of him as a personal slave." Maelgwyn rubbed his bruises and looked around. What to do to fill in the plot holes? Hmmmm.... suddenly his eyes spotted the trapped pilots and he smirked evilly. This was the time to get that much needed caffeine boost.

"Give me everything that you have which is edible and is high in sugars and caffeine. In return, I will... release your friends _and_ reactivatethe Zoids."

Irvine raised an eyebrow.

"You can do all of that?" Maelgwyn smiled nervously and looked around.

"Sure....I ....can!" He flashed the other a big salesman smile. "Now, the food, if you would be so kind?"

Some time later, a small mountain of foodstuffs lay piled at the evil duo's feet.

"Yes, well...I think that might be enough." Maelgwyn hurriedly began shoving everything into a sack provided by his muse. He stretched upon completion of the task and stood up, looking at the sun.

"Wow! Is that the time! Sorry, gotta go!" He bailed CW into the sack also and fled for his life across the now-desert plain.

"Why you littl- HEY!! COME BACK HERE!!!" Maelgwyn turned his head briefly while running....

"Laaaaaater!"

THE SCREEN, TIRED OF SWIRLING INTO BLACKNESS, DECIDES TO DO A FLASH SEQUENCE WITH MULTIPLE COLOURS. *Readers collapse to the ground in seizures...*

Phoenix and Tarka were falling....falling but not really getting anywhere. In fact, by the time that they actually reached the portal for entering the fan-fiction, they had already played three games of checkers, one game of chess, ten rounds of Uno, and discussed the most possible methods of achieving the final goal. A purple rip in the sky appeared, and threw them out. Tarka being the heaviest _and_ not able to fly, headed for the ground first. Phoenix hovered in the air, hesitant.....

"Heeeeeeelp meeeeeeee......" She sighed and rolled her eyes. Maybe she could trade him in for a muse who wasn't so dependant..... but if she wanted to trade, he'd at least have to be _alive_....With that thought in her mind, Phoenix dive bombed through the air and caught him by the scruff of his collar.

"What would you do without me?" she sighed heavily. Tarka was gagging, and pointing to his face.

"Can't....breathe!!"

"Hmmm? Oh!" Phoenix exclaimed sheepishly. She had forgotten they were three feet off the ground....*CLUNK*

"Owww! You didn't have to drop me!"

"Quit your whining! You didn't have to be so heavy! It's not like it's that far down anyway." Phoenix landed softly and sat on the dusty ground cross legged. 

"Hey! Where did all the grass go? It was here when I left...."

"Ummm.....you kinda destroyed it all?"

"Oh yeah....I was forgetting...." Phoenix muttered and scanned the barren landscape. Presently her keen eyes spotted something on the horizon. A huge column of dust. Coming towards...._her_. Before either of them had time to react, the dust collided with a sickening _thwack._ A sack flew up into the air, sending candy bars and a small stuffed animal raining down everywhere.

Phoenix blinked.

Maelgwyn blinked.

Tarka sneezed, ruining the moment.

"Who are you?" Phoenix had a tendency to be absent-minded.

"Errr.....Maelgwyn. Don't you remember _anything_ at all?" he asked as he picked himself up from the dust.

"Oh...riiight."

"Ignore her. It's too early in the morning for her brain to function properly."

"Hey! Shut up you baka!"

"Hmmm....but she can still insult people...charming."

"Don't make me come over there!" Phoenix was about to clock him one, when she saw the candy bars everywhere. She picked one and inspected it more closely.

"What's this?"

"Spoils of war." Maelgwyn grinned evilly.

"Where from?"

"Well....let's just say from those people you love to torment so much..."

"Hmmm...How interesting! And such a vast selection!" Phoenix nodded with evil satisfaction, "A job well done!"

"Thank you!" The sun began creep higher overhead, and burnt the necks of the writers.

"Maybe we could discuss this further in a place where there is some shade. Can you fly?"

"Ummmm.....I don't think so..."

"Ahh well. It doesn't matter. As this is my fic, and I still mercifully have kept my Authoress powers, so, you can be able to fly." Tarka looked very annoyed.

"Then _why_ didn't you let me fly in the first place?!!"

"But my dear muse!" Phoenix smirked ,"Wherever is the humour in that?" Tarka muttered incoherently under his breath....Having found a small cluster of trees that _hadn't_ been blasted away from the previous battle, the small group alighted on the ground. Phoenix sat with her back against a tree trunk, and the others gathered around her....momentarily unaware of what to do.

"Uhhh...you know you're allowed to sit down, right?" 

"Oh...right." Maelgwyn and the two muses formed a semi-circle around the half-asleep Authoress.

"Phoenix....." Maelgwyn undid the sack and pulled out a few bars of edible hyperness. "Phoenix...are you awake?!"

"Poke her."

"Wha-?"

"Poke. Her." Tarka repeated stubbornly. "Unless you want to remain in this scene forever." Maelgwyn eyed the dozing form warily. She seemed to be growling in her sleep.... Opting for a choice where he might be able to _keep_ all of his fingers, Maelgwyn peeled back a wrapper and waved the candy under her nose, spreading the chocolate scent through the air. Phoenix's eyes shot open with an alarming speed as she pounced on the sugar.

"GIMMIE, GIMMIE, GIMMIE!!!!"

"GAHH!!" Everyone scrambled back three feet in shock and watched the crazed Authoress cram the entire bar into her mouth at once. She noted their expressions of fear and smiled widely. _Whew! _At least they knew she wasn't going to kill them...._today..._ But no reason why she should be the only one to enjoy the benefits of caffeine and sugar all at once! The trio smirked and attacked the remaining food. The situation they were all in proved to have a much brighter outlook when their blood glucose levels flew up into outer space, destroying several planets on the way.

(a/n: *evil smirk* muahahahaha!!! I have my evil kittyTolkien sitting on me at the moment, and he is giving me Dr.Evil type ideas.....wonder where there is a site that sells giant 'laser' cannons and subterranean drills?!! *strokes the evil kitty on the head in an evil doctor-type way*)

COMPUTER SCREEN FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON IS CRANKY WITH EVERYONE AND JUST SWITCHES TO THE NEXT SCENE

Back in Tyger's space....

"Looks like I'm going to have to go and save her butt.... AGAIN." Tyger muttered as she read over D.T.M.D.T! Darkie was just glad to be away from the purple idiot. Not to mention once again, Tarka's extreme mental retardation, he tasted bad. Tyger turned Phoenix's prized possession over in her hand. "Well, at least I know she can't do anything more destructive.... But, knowing her, she'll just get someone else to do her dirty work...." She sighed, and got a few supplies together. She just *knew* she was going to have to intervene. That demi- ....always getting herself into trouble. She pitied the victims. 

SCREEN HAS BEEN HUGGED AND IS HAPPY NOW. DOES STANDARD BLACK SWIRL

Phoenix and Maelgwyn were deep in evil plot discussions. Apparently, Maelgwyn seemed very interested to hear all of the insane and improbable way of achieving the final goal. For the simple minded few which have forgotten....sugar-fuelled world domination. (a/n: would I have it any other way?!! ^_^) 

"But _unfortunately_, I am unable to act on any of these notions, as I'm on a sort of good behaviour bond."

"I see.." Maelgwyn frowned.

"See what?!! Are we playing eye spy?" (Tarka....-_-() ) CW abruptly pulls a dictionary of curse words from nowhere and starts reeling them off at the bewildered purple muse.

"What if....what if I were to help you in all of these...deeds? That would certainly make things more interesting!" Maelgwyn said. Phoenix looked surprised, but then smirked as she rubbed her hands.

"Yessss.....the perfect cover...none will ever....suspect...yeees....." She trailed off, thoughts on how to take over the world overwhelming her poor evil alter-ego. Suddenly, her eyes flamed and her tail twitched excitedly as the first step in achieving the improbable came into being.

"Tarka!" Phoenix snapped, looking at her muse. "Do we have any jelly-nite left?" CW looked at her weirdly.

"Ummm....don't you mean...._gelignite?_" Phoenix glared at him and waved a hand.

"No! JELLY-NITE!! Few people are aware of powdered jelly's real capabilities. Do you imagine that they actually _eat_ the stuff when it's added with water?!!" Tarka gasped, and Phoenix patted him on the back. "Yes muse, it is true. Continuing on, however, jelly has explosive powers far, _far_ beyond that of..." Here she scoffed ,"_gelignite."_ CW rolled his eyes, and Maelgwyn asked her to continue.

"Yes...well...my plan is...." a pause for dramatic effect ,"since we can't terrorise the kiddies for a while, we'll do the next best thing, and blow up....THE ZOID REALM'S SHAMPOO MANUFACTURING FACILITY!!! Phoenix swished an imaginary cape up to her eyeballs and smirked.

Crickets chirp melodiously...

"Wha-" Phoenix hit her muse before he had a chance to finish the sentence.

"For the love of Kami! She exclaimed, and pointed to a factory that had magically appeared behind them. "THAT!!" 

The other three: "Ohhh...." 

"Come, proteges!!" Phoenix swept off into the sky followed by Maelgwyn, CW and Tarka (who had to run on the ground....ehehehehehe) 

"Why...exactly are we doing this?" Maelgwyn asked as he drew level to Phoenix, his silver armour glinting in the strong sunshine. The other shrugged. 

"Seemed a good thing to add a little action/adventure to the storyline!"

"I see...." A smirk spread across his lips. _Yes, he was going to enjoy destroying something....mwehehehe...._ Soon the group touched down on the ground, and Tarka (with his chest heaving) made to hand over the box of lime flavoured jelly powder to Phoenix. She shook her head sadly and pointed to her companion Author.

"Can't...good behaviour, remember?!!"

"Ohh..that's right." Tarka plonked the box in his hands.

"Umm....how exactly do I set this up?" Phoenix jumped up and down excitedly. 

"Just rip open the top, and throw it through an open window into one of those huge vats!!"

For not the first time that day, Maelgwyn smirked and did as was instructed to him. Phoenix hit the ground, her hands covering her head. Slightly alarmed, the rest followed suit. How bad could the explosion be?!! It was just jelly!! Wasn't..it? _Wrong. _

*Splash* One second passed by.....

two......

three....

.........

KAAAABBBBOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! The earth shook and felt as if it would split in half. Deranged workers wearing hard hats ran from the building, rolling on the ground to put out the fire burning on themselves. The earth tremors paused and a white substance began to pour out of the open windows.

"Phoeeenix?" Tarka trembled behind his Authoress.

"Yes?"

"What's that?!" The white stuff was nearly open them. Phoenix grinned happily and using her Authoress powers, created surfboards for the two humanoids.

"Surf's up dudes! Ride the bubble wave!!" She gave him a doped up hippy expression. Tarka opened his mouth to protest, but was swept away by the tide.

"WHOOO HOOO!!! YEAHHH!!! COWABUNGA!!!" Those and similar cries could be heard as the shampoo-bubble-wave carried them far across the plain.

"PHOE-NIX!!!" Maelgwyn yelled across at her ,"HAVE...YOU..... EVER SURFED BEFORE?!!" The tailed being smiled.

"NOPE!! HAVE YOU?!!

"NO!! I THOUGHT YOU KNEW HOW TO DO IT!!"

"SHIMATTTTTA....." The bubble-wave of doom they were responsible for creating engulfed the two writers and surged forward, mercifully depositing them in a high tree branch. Maelgwyn looked around.

"Where the heck is CW?!! 

"Ib...herbe..." A muffled cry came from inside the Author's armour.

"Eh?" Gingerly, Maelgwyn retrieved a rather peeved off muse with a mouth full of bubbles.

"Ehehe....sorry about that CW...." Phoenix said awkwardly. CW glared at her, then at Maelgwn, back at her again, and then at a two foot high Smurf who was (for the moment) filling in for the missing Tarka.

It filled the air....tension....it was so thick, you could cut it with- 

"IT'S SNOWING BUBBLES!!" Phoenix yelled, knocking them all from their perch. 

"Bubbles, bubbles, everywhere!!!" She sang happily before diving into a deep drift, disappearing.

"CW, do you know where she went?" Maelgwyn glanced uneasily around, expecting a surprise attack at any moment. CW looked gave a look of: If-I-knew-I-would-have-already-killed-her. Scary jaws music filters out from nowhere. Duuuu-nuh. Duuuu-nuh...duh-nuh,duh-nuh!!! As the music reached a climax, Maelgywn yelled bloody murder. Phoenix pounced on him from behind, burying the innocent person up to his ears. She growled in victory, only to find her legs kicked out from underneath her. Blinks were shared by all, then maniacal laughter, enough to make the folks at the loony bin look like regular, sane people. The Smurf stood on-top of the bubble/snow and watched the show apprehensively. It gasped and stumbled back a few feet when Maelgwyn, Phoenix and CW wore identical evil smirks on their faces, and began to creep very slowly towards it- hands out stretched...

It squealed, and ran for it's own dear life.

"COME BACK 'LIL SMURFIE!!!! COME BAACK!!"

"AWWW!!! WE ONLY WANNA TORTURE YOU!!! IT WON'T HURT THAT MUCH!!!"

But the sensible blue midget paid no heed, and ran into the sunset, out of the story.

A/N:

*phe holds out her hand to Tyger* welll? *smirks* I don't care if you want to kill me, one candy-cane! 

to Maelgwyn-kun: errrrr.......*cough* well....there you....have...it...^_^ if you don't like it, or have suggestions, email and i'll change it....

to Wolfpup: *phe shakes her head* Thou should not have set the magical leprechauns upon me when i was in an other-than-normal state! *looks outside, and ashes are floating down gently* ^_^() ehehe.......don't worry about not being able to join in!! your reviews are still very special and highly valued. 

*Mirai Trunks reads the completed chapter and unties Phe-chan from the keyboard*

*Phe-chan rubs her sore eyes and wrists*

THERE!!! I DO SO HOPE YOUR'RE KAMI-DAMNED HAPPY TYGER!!!! (add sarcasm)

*Mirai Trunks and Gohan smirk*

Phe-chan: You wipe those looks off your faces!!

*Gohan and Trunks whistle innocently*

Phe-chan: Gahhhh!!!! *hits Gohan*

Gohan: Owww! Why didn't you do that to Trunks?!!

*Phe-chan smiles at Mirai*

*Mirai smirks at Gohan*

*Gohan's eye begins to twitch...*

*Vegeta who is lying comatose on the floor coughs*

Gohan: Man, is he _still _here?

Vegeta:*mumbles in his sleep* Kill....I....will ....KILL THEM ALL!! mwehehehe.....

Gohan: Errr...Trunks, shouldn't we be slightly disturbed?

Mirai : Hmmm? Nah....I usually just ignore him....uhh.....where did Phe-chan go?

*both frantically search the room* 

*Gohan clings to Mirai*

*sniff* I'm afraid!!

*Mirai pats Gohan*

There, there. We all are.

*Demonic laughter reverberates off the walls....*

Gohan: Maybe reviews will stop this madness!!!! For the love of Kami, REVIEW!!! 

A note to everyone out there: 

I will be taking a break from writing for a few weeks....school starts next week *shudder* and i've got my saiya-jin/ elf mits on a huge canvas/board type thing with a frame! *breaks out the paints and brushes and looks around the room*

Gohan? Mirai-kun? Wanna pose?! 


	9. The mind's a funny thing

A/N: // The room is dark, and filled with an eerie silence, a shuffling can be heard, followed by a loud crash, and then a loud stream of cursing as a desk lamp flicks on //

So much for my dramatic entrance.....*muttermutter*

How've you all been?? *sniff* It's been soooooo long since I've put out another chapter!!! But seriously, I'm under the feared penalty of nagging if I'm found.....

GAHHHHHH!!! DIE, YOU EVIL MATHS HOMEWORK!!! DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!! *wrenched a flame thrower out of nowhere and burns the papers to ash* 

Yeeea.....as you probably....can tell, I'm back at school.....and 'enjoying' it ever so much.....grrr...

Errr...anyways, let's just see how much I can get typed before I fall asleep on my keyboard!!!...._again...._

RECAP

___________________________________________

The Smurf stood on-top of the bubble/snow and watched the show apprehensively. It gasped and stumbled back a few feet when Maelgwyn, Phoenix and CW wore identical evil smirks on their faces, and began to creep very slowly towards it- hands out stretched...

It squealed, and ran for it's own dear life.

"COME BACK 'LIL SMURFIE!!!! COME BAACK!!"

"AWWW!!! WE ONLY WANNA TORTURE YOU!!! IT WON'T HURT THAT MUCH!!!"

But the sensible blue midget paid no heed, and ran into the sunset, out of the story.

___________________________________________

Chapter....EGADS!!! IS IT 9 ALREADY??

Tarka lay stretched out full length in a field of tall yellow grasses. The sun, after having dispersed the bubbles clogged his ears and drying his clothes, made him feel nice and sleepy. Barely having nodded off for a couple of minutes than the sun disappeared, shading his face.

"Stupid cloud..." He muttered as he opened a heavy lidded eye. His eyes met a pair of striking purple ones. "GGAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Tarka nearly had a cardiac arrest as he flopped back onto the ground. "Will....you...._not_.....do.....that?!!" Phoenix smirked as she continued to hover horizontally above him.

"Do what?" Tarka glared.

"Don't act all innocent on me, you know _precisely_ what." Phoenix stuck out her tongue, and sat down beside her muse. She gave him a pat on the head, causing him to scowl angrily.

Maelgwyn and CW shook their heads.... 

"Man, I'm hungry!" Tarka cried out in exasperation,

"You're always hungry!"

"A growing Authoress must have her vittles!"

"Vittles? What the heck are those?!!" CW was eying Phoenix with suspicion. 

"Uhhhh...food?" *Blinks shared by all*

"Ohhhh..."

"This fic seems to revolve a lot around food, doesn't it?"

"I suppose so...." The Authoress stood up and drew her sword. "But can _I_ help it if my parental units underfeed me?!!!"

Maelgwyn frowned.

"So....what your saying is that this is just a physical form of your mind's constant delirium?" *Phoenix sweatdrops*

"Well...sure...if you....wanna put it that way..." The group began to watch something on the horizon....the cause? Having run out of interesting subject matter to discuss.

*Suddenly Phoenix pales and waves her sword around hap-hazardly*

"O.....MY.....GOD.....I KNEW IT!!! THE MUTANT ASPARAGUS IS IN LEAUGE WITH THE CHICKENS!!!! THEY'RE COMING TO KILL ME!!!!! AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

(a/n: eheh...eh...sorry, internal joke. Tyger asked me to give her random ideas for her fic, and one of them was giant mutant asparagus and the fact that i was attacked by an evil chicken last year....^-^;; )

Maelgwyn to Tarka: "Are you _sure_ she isn't on any form of drug?"

*Tarka thinks a long while*

"Uhhhh....is concentrated caffeine a drug?" 

"Yes."

"Then.....yes."

"I knew it.."

MEANWHILE.....

The supposed 'asparagus' in league with the supposed 'chickens' were closing the distance between the two groups fast. On closer inspection, however, one could see that the 'asparagus' appeared to have limbs, a dark navy uniform covering most of their stalks, and each carried a double barrel rifle. They were the Zi Realm's Corps for Oppressing People with Sick minds....

"Feck! The Cops!!" Maelgwyn paled. He had run into those guys a few times, and it wasn't pleasant to tangle with them, to say the least. Certain Phoenix would have enough sense to follow him, he grabbed CW and deserted the scene. But how can one have sense if one is trying to beat off a hoard of Chickens and Asparagus? The marching boys in blue halted, and a tall sergeant stepped forward, brandishing a piece of parchment, writing scribbled in a somewhat formal manner across it.

"Authoress Phoenix?"

"Yes....but what's it to you, you overgrown vegetable?!!!"

The man regarded her weirdly for a moment, and then continued.

"I have been issued with a warrant for your arrest. You have been charged with crimes of vandalism, two counts of assault, bribery, being a Raven stalker & pyromaniac and being insane in general. You do not have the right to speak, protest, sneeze or cough. You may be allowed to blink every 30 seconds...

"Wha the- omph! HEY!! WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU FECKING A$$HO-MPH!" They had her bound and gagged before the poor Authoress could finish her sentence. Hoisting her limp body onto their shoulders, the troops began marching in the direction from which they came. The sergeant took off his cap and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Another day, another loon...."

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: 0_0 it had to happen eventually....*sigh* but it was fun while it lasted....NEXT CHAPTER: The Big Court Trial & Sentence!!! dun dun dunnnnnn........ what will happen?!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!!! hehehe...even I don't know yet! ^-^;; If any of you would like to participate in the hearing as witnesses, just let me know, then email with your rough descriptions so I can write you in...k? ^_^ Don't worry, I'll actually do the work, and let you sit back and relax with a nice glass of liquefied sugar...on the house!

*sniff* I know I've said this before, but I missed you guys!! *wails loudly* Yes, yes, I know, sappy coming from the infamous insane-one. Also, I apologise for this chapter being short...and....rather....disturbing... ^-^ but hey, you know that's how you like me! For my wonderful little group of reviewers, and any newbies who may stumble upon this fic, I am issuing for a limited time..... A RAVEN PLUSHIE DOLL!!!! ^______^ *Phe hugs hers and sits it beside her Veggie and Mirai, and Heero plushies* 

Vegeta: You are just....too weird....

Phe: ;P i could say the same to you 'Geta.....as in....*waves a video surveillance tape around*

Vegeta: *blushes* GRRRRR!!!! GIVE THAT TO ME, DAMMIT!!!

Phe: nah nah!!! Can't catch me!!! *flys away with Veggie-chan firing ki blasts at her*


	10. Prison Food Sucks

A/N: Heya guys! Wow. I was so impressed with the *cough*...quality of the reviews for the last chapter, that it inspired me to actually get off my lazy butt and start this one....but before that.....

Maelgwyn: *returns big hug* ^_^ Missed you too buddy! The weather in Australia sucks as well....DAMN HUMIDITY!! . Maybe our next project should be to kidnap some meteorologists and force them to give us bearable weather....^_^;;

Wolfpup: *hands over a closed shoebox with a belt around it* uhhh....I think this leprechaun belongs to you.... *a loud & slurred voice is heard cussing in an Irish accent* after swiping all of my parents liquor, it went on a burning rampage, and then tried to chat up a potted plant....-_-() 

*Wolfpup grins and tips the leprechaun into a fire-proof cat cage*

Tyger: That's right!!! There's some sort of weird conspiracy going on, and they're all out to get me!!!! 

RECAP

"I have been issued with a warrant for your arrest. You have been charged with crimes of vandalism, two counts of assault, bribery, being a Raven stalker & pyromaniac and being insane in general. You do not have the right to speak, protest, sneeze or cough. You may be allowed to blink every 30 seconds...

_______________________________

Chapter 10- Prison food sucks

Phoenix was thrown into the corner of a prison cell, the iron bar door slamming shut and locking behind her.

"Heh. You just _try_ and get out of here 'ya no -good wench" A pudgy guard jeered at the bound Authoress- whose tail was rearing and thrashing like a real ticked off cobra snake.

__

The first thing I'll do when I get out of here is land a punch right in your temple, lard-gut asparagus....

"Whoa, Mikie! Would 'ya take a look at that tail-thing it's got on it...." A taller guard ambled up and peered through the bars. 

"Oooo....do 'ya think we made it mad?" The taller feigned terror.

"Don't let it get me Bob!" The pair shuffled off, chuckling deeply. 

__

Note to self: When free, remember to incinerate the asparaguses 'Mikie' and 'Bob'...mwehehehe...

*A sharply dressed reporter pushes his way onto the screen*

"Welcome to the Courtroom of Judge Jud- errr...Jeremey! The cases are real, unfortunately for us, the people are real. On trial today is the Authoress Phoenix. 

*a picture appears in the corner of the screen showing Phe-chan pulling a face*

*The camera moves past the reporter to the doors*

"It appears the Jury are coming in now...." An assorted collection of multi-coloured writers shuffled to their benches, each cradling a mug of liquefied sugar and a clipboard. Those who weren't tripping over their own feet from sleep deprivation grimaced at the anti-anime people which had somehow made their way into the courtroom. Needless to say, they had the bailiff relocate them to a nice pit of rabid lions. The reporter fought his way back to the camera gestured dramatically to the doors.

"Here she is ladies, gentlemen, whoever else....The one on trial...."

*Phoenix is dragged out by her feet and dumped in a cage in front of the stands*

"OWW! I'm not a sack of potatoes, you BEEEP-ing BEEEEEP."

The last of the audience files in, and the bailiff commands everyone to stand.

"Order for Judge Jeremy. Parties have been sworn in....you may be seated." The sound of chairs scuffing around could be heard as the Judge shuffled through papers on his desk.

"Authoress Phoenix....I understand you do not have a lawyer. If you wish, we can provide one for you."

"Can I-"

"No. You _can't _represent yourself." Phoenix sighed dejectedly.

"Can't blame a body for asking...." The Judge beckoned a cop over to the bench, exchanged a few words with him, and then the cop scurried away. A few minutes later, pounding feet were in the hall and the door burst open, sending papers flying everywhere.

"Sorry....*gasp* I'm....late Judge...*cough*....came....as quick....as...I could!" The odd young man with lavender hair dragged himself before the stands.

"Never mind Mr. Briefs, just go and sit with your client. I'm sure you have a lot to discuss before we proceed."

"My...client? Where??"

"Over there," said the judge while pointing, "No..._there. _The one in the cage." Mirai Trunks turned pale as Phoenix smiled weakly and waved to him.

"Why Kami? Why me??"

'Because Trunks, I _enjoy_ making you squirm....' Ooo yea, even the Guardian of the Earth can have his little evil moments.... 

Trunks forced the voice out of his mind and hurried to the other side of the room.

"You've done it this time, you know that....don't you?"

"I do not know of this 'it' that you speak of.....mayhaps it is some sort of edible substance?" Trunks stared at her and began to massage his temples. 

"Look, I'm going to _try_ and win this thing for you....if you're really, _really_ lucky, you might just come away with some community service time. Understand?" Phoenix nodded glumly.

"Are you ready to begin Mr. Briefs?" Trunks stood up.

"Errrr...I suppose so, your honor...but is the cage really necessary?"

"I'm afraid it is, for the protection of the masses."

"I see...." Trunks threw a glance at Phoenix who smiled her best innocent smile and shrugged.

OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE.....

A giant mutant asparagus and an evil chicken took turns to share a pair of binoculars focused through an open window. They looked at each other, then chuckled diabolically.

BACK TO THE TRIAL.....

"Do you swear to tell the _whole_ truth, nothing _but_ the truth, so damn you Kami?" Phoenix struggled to maintain a straight face as she held her right hand over a bundle of sacred Pixie Stix.

"I...........do."

The Judge looked grim, "Very well. Prosecution, you may begin."

"Thank-you your honor." A young female blond lawyer in a black business suit made her way to the front of the room, cat-calls and wolf-whistles following her every movement. She glared at the males responsible and turned her back on them.

"Sir. What we have here is clearly an open and shut case. That..._thing_ over there in the cage is-"

"Objection!!!!!!"

"Authoress Phoenix, you aren't allowed to object yourself."

"Oh....right."

"As I was _saying_, it's either malicious or insane to commit all of those horrible crimes against the peaceful inhabitants of Zi. Just to prove that it was the one who started all of this, I'd like to call my first witness, Van to the stand." After having taken a similar oath Van was seated comfortably in the witness box." The female lawyer smiled, causing Van to cough nervously.

"Now...Van....could you please tell the courtroom and I how you first came in contact with the defendant?"

"Sure... " Van related the whole incident, making sure to include all of the 'traumatizing' and 'vicious' things that were inflicted upon him through no fault of his own...

"Thanks, Van. You've been a real help. All yours, Mr. Briefs." She smirked as she walked past the Jury, who were half-heartedly scribbling down snippets of information between sips of liquefied sugar and thumb wrestling matches. Mirai Trunks death glared at his opposition, and straightened his tie.

"Hmmmm......now...Van, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it _you_ who were the one who latched onto my client's tail in the first place?"

"Yes...but she-"

"AHA!! There you go ladies and gentlemen, he _admitted _he was responsible for-"

"Objection!!! He didn't give the witness a chance to finish!"

"Yes. Mr Briefs, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, shall we?"

"Sorry you honor.."

"Very well....Van, you may return to your seat for the moment." Van jumped down and sat beside Irvine who gave him a thumbs-up.

"If I may, your honor, I'd like to call _my_ first witness to vouch for my client's sanity...." Mirai Trunks paused and gestured to the crowd ,"The Author Maelgwyn!" Maelgwyn smirked as he strode to the witness box, roughly elbowing aside the prosecution lawyer. 

"Now...Author Maelgwyn....how well do you know the defendant?" Maelgwyn half closed his eyes and yawned.

"......"

"Author Maelgwyn! You _are _obliged to answer!" The armor-clad author opened an eye and muttered,

"Sugar."

"Huh?"

"I. Need. Sugar. Now."

"Oh...." the jury begrudgingly supplied a mug of their liquefied supply and Maelgwyn sat sipping it with his feet on the witness box rails.

"What was the question again?"

Mirai Trunks gritted his teeth, "How well do you know the defendant?"

"Hmmm.....not long I guess....a month? Three?"

"I see, and while you were in the presence of Authoress Phoenix, did you see her act in an insane manner?"

"....No." _Heh. I saw her act in an insanely **evil** manner._

The blonde lawyer walked over to cross-examine the witness. Only three feet away from the witness, and CW randomly appeared and started screaming to the audience,

"THIS WOMAN IS AN ILLEGAL IMIGRANT FROM CUBA WHO EARNS EXTRA MONEY AS A CONCUBINE!!!!!!!" He winked at Maelgwyn who covered his face with his hands, hoping no-one would notice he knew the out of control muse.

"........uhhhh....Maelgwyn....is this...._whatever_ an aquantince of yours? Remember, you're under oath."

".....Unfortunately, yes."

"HEY, YOU PITIFULL LITTLE INGRATE!!!! Hmph..I'LL REMEMBER THIS NEXT TIME YOU WANT IDEAS FOR A FIC!!!!"

"Author Maelgwyn, muses are not permitted inside the courtroom. Please remove it immediately." 

"Yes sir, you honor sir...." After CW had been lured out into the foyer with a trail of biscuits, the prosecution's questioning resumed.

"Why did you hesitate before answering the original question, Author Maelgwyn?" Maelgwyn looked to Phoenix nervously who just shrugged, wishing desperately she had the power of telepathic communication.

"I....uh....."

"_Well?_" Maelgwyn coughed, trying to stall for time.

"You see Jury and Judge? You can all tell that from this vagabond's manner that he _did_ see the one on trial displaying insane behavior, and don't doubt she corrupted his impressionable young mind to do her evil bidding." She leaned over to Maelgwyn and patted his head, speaking in way one would do to a toddler. "There, there. The scary mean crazy lady won't hurt you anymore..." She snapped her fingers and two burly cops came tromping over.

"Wha-? What the HFIL do you think you're doing?!!!!! LET GO OF ME!!! GAHHH!!!" Pretty soon, Maelgwyn was sharing a cage adjacent to Phoenix's.

"They got you _too?_ Tough break, man." Phoenix tried to stretch in the cramped space, but only ended up causing more injury to herself. "Damn human bakas....."

Maelgwyn kept himself occupied by glaring daggers and any other pointy object he could think of into the head of the prosecution lawyer. _Hehehe...._

Mirai Trunks ran his fingers through his long purple hair. Things weren't going too well...._Shimatta! My last witness! Kami, I hope this works!_

Kami: 'I seee you!' _mwhehehehe...._

Mirai Trunks: Stop doing that!

Kami: 'Make me, monkey boy!'

Mirai Trunks: Grrr..*slaps hand to forehead*

The Judge cleared his throat impatiently.

"Are you quite alright, Mr. Briefs?"

Mirai Trunks jumped. "Who me? Opps...sorry your Honor. AHEM....for my last witness....I call....the AUTHORESS TYGER!!"

A hush rippled through the collected assembly as the main doors slammed open and a rather irritated looking being with blue wings stomped over to the witness box. She had been searching for Phoenix for hours and was frankly _not_ impressed....even more so when she saw that her friend was in a cage- tapping an Easter egg she had somehow managed to get hold of and looking at it expectantly.

"Now...Tyger..."

Tyger raised an eyebrow, "_You're _here?"

"Yes...well...a last minute call...I'm Authoress Phoenix's lawyer."

"(Muttering) Figures..."

Mirai Trunks coughed once or twice and then turned to the Jury with a big loud voice.

"Authoress Tyger....would you care to tell the court how you can vouch for the defendant's sanity?"

"...No." Was the reply in a flat monotone, "that would be impossible."

"WHAT?!" Mirai Trunks was flabbergasted, "But, but-"

"However....you **will** be letting her go. _Now._"

The Judge appeared amused.

"Oh? And why would we do such a thing?"

"Because if you don't release her now...peacefully, I'll simply come back and take her anyway- at the expense of any guard's miserable life."

Furrowing his brow, the Judge waved his hand at the Jury.

"Jury please leave the room and make your decision." Muttering to themselves, they shambled out- some of them twitching from the overload of sugar in their systems.

Phoenix devoured her unwrapped chocolate in two seconds flat.

Tyger rolled her eyes.

Phoenix fell asleep while waiting to hear her fate, and the bailiff (using a ten foot pole) prodded her awake.

Phoenix growled.

Maelgwyn shuffled around in the cage next door.

Tyger looked distinctly bored.

The clock ticked.

A fly buzzed around the room.

The Judge coughed.

Someone scratched their head.

Finally after three whole minutes of waiting, the Jury returned- a writer by the name of Illusion stepped forward and pushed their teal hair out of their eyes.

"We, the Jury, find the defendant........**guilty** for all charges, but we are releasing her into the custody of Authoress Tyger because we're afraid of her."

Slamming his head-whacker-thingy on the bench, the Judge bellowed,

"Very well. CASE DISMISSED!!" As the Bailiff shooed the annoyed audience out, Tyger forced the locked cages containing Phoenix and Maelgwyn open.

Tyger spoke forcefully,

"Now, you are _not_ going to do ANYTHING like this again? Do you promise?" Phoenix smiled sweetly,

"But of course!" Tyger gave her a suspicious look that said plainly, '_Liar._' Holding both of her shoulders, Tyger wheeled Phoenix around and began marching her out of the room. Just as she passed through the door, Phoenix caught Maelgwyn's eye. She was smirking and he could just see her index and middle finger of her left hand crossed behind her back. 

__

'We'll met again, Insane-one....we'll met again...'

With an amused smile on his lips, Maelgwyn watched as Phoenix's brown furry tail vanished out of the door- the same tail which a young boy tragically mistook for a papaya one sunny summer's morning....

~~~~

A/N. Yes, I am sorry to say that this is the last chapter of DTMDT!!.......But what a chapter!!! My heartfelt thanks are extended to everyone who took a couple of minutes out of their day to read & review. Without you, this ficlet wouldn't have gotten where it is. THANKS!!!!

But not to worry....this isn't the end of me....mwehehehe...

*edges towards the Z-senshi who are shifting around uncomfortably & looking nervous*

Phe: *smirks*

To all my anime & manga comrades: Sleep late, Eat plenty of sugar and FOR KAMI'S SAKE, DO **NOT** LET PYROMANIAC LEPROCHAUNS RUN AMOK IN YOUR HOMES!!!

Till the next fic......

Phoenix.

*balloons rain down from nowhere*

__


End file.
